As she was about to step out of the room, she looked back at her reflection in the mirror: a face devoid of makeup framed by a hijaab that draped over her bosom stared back at her; her whole body was enveloped in a black abaya that flowed down to her feet. Yet, she thought sadly, I’m not complete –I hope for the day that I won’t have to expose my face in front of the world either.  As she walked with slow but steady steps down the street towards the Masjid, she looked like the ideal Muslimah: gaze lowered, well-covered, tall, strong, and confident. She had come a long way to get to this stage; hers was a story of a rise, a fall, and a rise again. How did she get to this stage? This is how it all started…

She was a whole lot of fun: the cool chic around the block who knew all the latest songs and could wind to the latest beats. She was a young fashionista who loved the “bling” image she portrayed. She turned heads and giggled at catcalls and whistles she heard whenever she walked by. She lived a life of love songs, romance novels, clothes, jewellery, and dreams of a ‘prince charming.’ She dreamed of being a beauty queen and travelling all over the world but her family wanted her to get into college first before getting into any contest. She observed Salah only when she felt like it, and forgot the little part of the Qur’an she had memorized at her local Madrasah. The only Muslim identity she had was her name.

Before getting into college, she met a girl who changed her orientation of hijaab. She started to wear a little head scarf but still wore the kind of clothes she loved and this drew even more attention towards her because now she was drawing the attention of the ‘hip’ Muslim boys as well. When she started college she started to move around with more Muslims and learned a lot more about her Creator, the hijaab, and Islam in general. She found it hard though to change her way of life because she still considered herself a ‘good girl’ even though her little hijaab was a big source of fitnah; and she definitely didn’t want to stop her regular activities like listening to music. She wanted the easy Islam or the ‘contemporary Islam’ as it is called.

Then one day she decided to wear the Jilbab but her family wouldn’t hear of it. A little persuasion from them was all it took to get her to even take off the little hijaab she was wearing, and replace it with a skull cap and even tighter clothes. Then the fall began! She stayed away from the Masjid and from the members of the young ummah who tried calling her back to the right path. Once again she became a Muslim just by name and it wasn’t long until she found her prince charming. She fell head over heels in love with a boy from school who was also a Muslim by name and she became involved in what could be called a whirlwind romance. Now there was no stopping her. She started earning nicknames like ‘flymuslimah’, getting silly award nominations in her class for her beauty and style and she was siimply loving it!

Her romance with prince charming got more heated up: candles, nights out, flowers, holding hands, and staring at the stars just like in the movies and before she knew it, she had fallen into the forbidden. She wasn’t ready for marriage and neither was he. They both continued and promised each other to love each other until death without even thinking of Allah’s Wrath. They just wanted to be in love and eventually get married.

After graduation, the romance continued and her family was in full support of it without even planning to make the union legal. A sister of hers decided to give her inspirational Islamic books hoping that she may one day find the time to read  them instead of the romance novels she was used to. She actually did read them and the realization of what she had done finally overcame her. She became repentant and called it quits with prince charming. She started to read more Islamic literature, observe more Salah, turned back to the Qur’an and made efforts to find her soul again. She came across the verse in the Qur’an and her hope was restored.

Say: O My slaves who have transgressed  against themselves! Do not despair of the Mercy of Allah,Verily Allah forgives all sins. Truly, He is oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful. [39:53]

Taking up the hijaab again wasn’t very easy for her though. She wanted to please Allah by obeying His dictates yet she felt like she had already been too exposed to evil and there was nothing worth covering anymore. Each time she tried wearing it, she felt empty and felt like she was only covering up trash. She always ended up in tears and fear. However, learning more about the hijaab, it’s rulings, and the punishment for not wearing it made her feel very uncomfortable going out without it. She also saw that the only thing stopping her from wearing it again was Shaytan’s plot to continue to mislead her by making her think she wasn’t worth wearing hijab. She read the story of the man who killed ninety-nine men and also killed the monk who told him that he couldn’t be forgiven and she realized that if she really was sincere in her repentance, she needed to turn completely away from the things that led her to sins.  She cringed each time she passed by and a guy did so much as look at her twice or stare at her face too long. So she started by covering up her body a bit more. Her family began to notice the sudden change and wondered what was going on with her. One day she braced up and took up her hijab once more. This time around however, she faced her family with steadfastness when they told her to take off her hijab again. She took her strength from the stories of the Sahabah (companions) and hoped that insha’Allaah, her repentance would be accepted in the sight of Allah and that she may be included amongst the dwellers in Jannah.

Now she dedicates her time to calling other sisters to the path of Allah. She tries as best as she can never to turn back to anything that will lead her astray. She turns and looks back at the times she was astray as a test, as a way of never feeling secure from the Plan of Allah. She knows now that a believer should always live in a state of love, fear, and hope of Allah. Most of all now, she knows the real essence of hijaab and the proper way it should be worn to avoid being a source of fitnah for herself and those around her.

My story may relate to many people because my search for answers is also someone else’s. This semester at my university has taught me very important lessons, and I wanted to share my thoughts on this subject of how I came to wear the hijab. I hope my words don’t offend anyone in any way, but I wish the readers to take me sincerely and to hear me out.

I know people will always judge, no matter what we do. We judge others from the outside, and we always want to know the reason behind everything, don’t we?

So for the hijab, some might say, “Well why should I cover my hair?” Some may say, “Yeah modesty is a beautiful thing” and yet some may say “yeah guys like modest girls.” While others may still say, “I believe that it’s all in the heart, and all we need is the right intention” and so on and so forth.

However with me, ever since I started taking biology courses in high school, I always wanted to know the truth behind my life, the reason behind the creation of this world, the reason behind what is happening and has happened in the past, and I wanted answers to everything.

But the moment that truly opened my eyes was my car accident a few years back. Alhamdulillah, due to Allah’s Mercy, I was saved, but not my car and the cars in front of me. The fear that entered my heart at that point, forced me to reflect, “Am I really ready to die?”

Then after that incident,  I started to question my inner self and my ways, and slowly approached the Qu’ran. Although Arabic is my mother tongue, I had to read it in English, with the full translation and tafseer (explanation), to fully understand the message behind the verses.

Before this, I had never really asked myself, what does my Creator want from me? What pleases Allah? What is going to happen after I die? Will my grave truly be my “resting” place? What will the consequences of doing a bad deed or even a good deed be?

Also, I had always known that women in Islam are supposed to wear the hijab and be covered, but I never really felt like I was ready for it. But once a teacher advised me with an excellent piece of advice: “Before wearing the hijab, focus on your daily prayers first.”

I took that advice to heart, and I would carry with me my prayer clothes, abaya and head scarf, and a prayer rug wherever I went! That meant, I literally had to stick to my daily prayers at any place and any time –no excuses. I even took it with me to the gym, when I went out with friends, and to work.  I will be honest: in the beginning, it was little intimidating praying in public; but alhamdulillah it felt so peaceful after every prayer prayed on time.

So once I was praying ‘Asr, and suddenly a spark came, and I felt like I was ready for the hijab.
At first I thought “Oh how convenient! Now I will be able to pray wherever I am and at any place –I’m all set!” (i.e. that I have my prayer equipment ready). Yet, I felt like there was more to it than just that; more to the hijab than just covering the hair and body for prayer.

I decided that I wanted to represent my faith and practice it right.

—

Family and friends reacted overseas by saying, “Oh how nice of you to wear that in America!” But then I thought: how does living in America make it different than any Muslim country? Are we following culture or are we following Islam? Is Islam just a religion where we pray and believe in God and then do whatever we want for the rest of the time? If we properly study Islam, study what our Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) used to do and what he called to, we will come to realize that it is the WAY OF LIFE.

Therefore, my passion for my hijab doesn’t just stop here –it continues. It continues by passing on the same advice to my brothers and sisters that my teacher passed on to me: Focus on the 5 daily prayers first.

It is true what Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala’s says in the Qur’an:

Recite that which has been revealed to you of the Book and keep up prayer; surely prayer keeps (one) away from indecency and evil. And certainly the remembrance of Allah is greater, and Allah knows what you do. [29:45]

Also, I have come across people that say “Well I do good deeds here and there, and isn’t that what a good Muslim does? Doesn’t intention count?” Yes and yes and yes. But then what caused Iblis (Shaytan) be pushed out of paradise? Not prostrating to Allah and becoming arrogant. He was too arrogant to prostrate down despite His Lord’s command. So what does that make us?

This is why I can’t judge anyone, looking at where I first was and where I am now. Who has guided me but Allah? However, if it wasn’t the first step I took of keeping up with my Salah, I wouldn’t have end up here. With every step you take forward towards Allah, tests and challenges will come facing you. But that’s not because Allah doesn’t love you, but because He wants to help YOU become stronger.

In addition, I started out taking it slow, one step at a time. Every Friday prayer I would wear the hijab to the Masjid and listen to khutbah as my “learning” time. I personally like to take baby-steps and not push myself into something, while forgetting the rest. Just as the Qu’ran says to wear the hijab, it also contains other commandments that we shouldn’t neglect. So when I wore the hijab, I asked myself, okay, now that I’m following one thing, am I also following the other orders?

It’s funny though, how in this normal struggle to come closer to Allah, people closest to me may label me as “religious” or whatever term they want. But I smile and think to myself, I am just a typical human who is trying to search for truth and  work hard to learn about Islam, something which I’m already born into. I see some converts and mashaAllah, they are much ahead of me in following and keeping up with knowledge about the Deen, so I think, where does that place me?

Why take a gift, an honor, the privilege to be a Muslim for granted? Why turn away from Qu’ran when it’s right there, easy to reach to just open and read once in a while, not just during Ramadan?

Moreover, I met a convert at an event through my MSA, and she said to us, “I used to look at Muslims and judge them. But then I came to realize that they are not perfect, Islam is!” To me, that was thought-provoking because it is true: we are not perfect. But why shouldn’t we work on our weakness and improve and implement our knowledge into actions –and not to please other people, but to please Allah?

So in trying to implement this I took the example of working out. Just as I keep track of my sets and reps, and I keep track of my cardio in weekly goals, I started keeping track of my prayers and my weekly goals that I needed to work on myself and just do a self-check.  Because after all, I thought, before I pass judgment on any one, I am being judged at every moment.

And further, what actually opened my eyes were the days I went to court for my driving tickets and when I had to stand all alone in front of the judge with  my own “record” and evidences to prove me innocent. Nervous as I was, I thought to myself, isn’t it going to be the same thing on Day of Judgment? Aren’t I going to be responsible for my own actions and careless mistakes that I’ve made? My only evidence to prove me innocent will be my own record in this life.

Life is so precious, and I hope I never ever take anything for granted; it’s hard because I too, sometimes attribute my success to myself, but that is not true. My success didn’t come from me, it came from Allah.

I’m grateful I had parents and family members reminding me to get up and pray, and hearing the adhan in my home country served as a constant reminder. Here, though, it’s different, but not difficult. At college there is more freedom of choice, and actual prayer places are available. Alhamadulillah Allah also sent me the right people to remind me and support me, and I was surrounded by righteous friends. I could not have done it on alone –but together, as one ummah, and as true friends, we can stick together to remind each other of the truth.

From Surah al ‘Asr: “By time, verily Man is in loss. Except such as have Faith, and do righteous deeds, and join together in the mutual teaching of Truth, and of Patience and Constancy.” [103]

Was it the latest songs? The hottest Hollywood couple? The soon-to-be-launched gadgets? Just ask Hauwa because she knows all about them!

I can still remember my friends coming over to consult me regarding the lyrics of a song or to settle a heated argument over celebrity gossip. At that time I was very much in love with the world; so much so that I avoided any thing to do with Islamic topics. As for my tongue, it ran free and wild! I would say stuff that I later on slept regretting. For example, I can still remember walking into a quiet room at the dorms during my high school days and blurting out “Did someone die?!” because they were all sulking. Little did I know that someone had actually died. Of course I didn’t mean the question in an inconsiderate way, but still it might have transmitted the wrong message to the others. I eventually got tired of that wild and carefree life. I wanted to become more mature considering I didn’t get any younger by the minute! I bought some Islamic books and tried to read them, but they mostly ended up somewhere in my closet with a dog-ear at the second chapter.

Then a very good friend of mine reccomended a lot of Islamic websites to me and I opened them up one by one. I Got It Covered happened to be one of them. I read through a few articles and suscribed for the mailing list. It was then that I concluded “CHANGE” was very much needed in my life!

I improved in my prayers and wore my hijab as it should be worn (not accompanied with too much perfume and a made-up face) and tried my best to quit my bad habits and adopt better ones. I started to read the Qur’an and the Hadith of the Prophet (salAllahu ‘alayhi wa sallam).

But even then, after all that, I still couldn’t sleep well at night. What about my friends? I kept thinking. I tried engaging in Islamic conversations with them and even offered to forward them the websites that I benefited from. But to no avail. I remembered a quote by Mahatma Gandhi: “Be the change you want to see!” So I tried my best to improve my character and prayed that it would influence them even an atom’s weight. I love them and would want them to see the “light” as I have had the opportunity to.

I know that time is precious and should not be wasted, which made me learn an important lesson: Sure we have time, it’s just not in our hands. At any point in time it may be our time to go and there is nothing and nobody that can stop it from happening. So why not change today? Why not now? A little leap is all it takes.

I pray that the Almighty guides us in all our deeds and helps us fight the obstacles that we may face on our road to perfection: ISLAM. Ameen!

The first thing I noticed about Evita was her shining face, with a pretty purple hijab firmly in place. As she pored over her book, trying to understand the glorious words of the Qur’an during our Tafseer class, I made a mental note to catch up with her after class. Evita had a very interesting story to tell, and in this email interview with me, she talks about her inspirational journey to taking the shahadah.

Tell me a little bit about yourself, where you hail from, your parents and family.  

Did the family eventually come around?

Unfortunately, I lost my father during the process, but about one month before he passed away, he did accept it (My Mum told me!), but it took slightly longer to convince my Mum.  Eventually, once I got married (about five years after I converted) my entire family accepted me as a Muslim wholeheartedly, and over time, when they got to know my husband and saw that I was happy, then they were all happy for me, alhamdullillah.  They are very receptive to da’wah, and constantly question my way of living and praying.  I’m always giving them as much insight as I can to this beautiful path to Allah.

If you had to choose just one thing that finally convinced you to embrace Islam, what would it be?  

The Aqeedah – The oneness of Allah.  The fact, that you can worship Allah the way it is supposed to be, without any intermediaries. It just feels so right.

Did you ever feel Islam was the natural thing to believe in, since it agreed with every natural feeling?

Yes, I believe that it is totally instinctual to follow and practice Islam the way our beloved Prophet (salAllahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) has showed us how to.  It is so simple, and beautiful. I love the fact that you have a direct connection with Allah, and you don’t have to go through some person, idol or ritual.  Also I was attracted to the lifestyle of Muslims – that you didn’t have to give up having a family or work to follow Allah.Most religions require a great sacrifice in your lifestyle in order to be worthy in the eyes of God.  Islam, allows you to get married, have kids and live out your life within the boundaries of Shariah.  When you implement this in your life, everything just ‘feels’ right.

How was it after you took the step of Iman? Tell me about the challenges you went through. And more importantly, how did you feel? Liberated? Curtailed? Frustrated?  

The very day I converted to Islam, I felt on top of the world.  I felt such a light feeling in my heart, and it was like I was flying.  I’ve never felt so happy in my life.  The most difficult hurdles that I had to face, was with my family.  They just didn’t understand where I was coming from.  All they could think about was, “what will people think, what will they say?” But alhamdullillah, it was those very hurdles,  that made my faith stronger and confirmed by belief even more.

And finally the HIJAB!  

I was always on and off with the hijab, and I finally took the big step and put it on about 4 years ago.  It was a great feeling, to be identified as part of the Muslim family, ‘officially’, and to start looking like one.

What did you think of hijab?  

The hijab is a true statement of ‘modesty’.  When you wear the hijab, it is the ultimate tool to freedom.  You’re no longer a slave to your mind and desires, and what people think.  You are no longer judged by your looks, but judged through your mind, and people see the ‘real’ you.

Did it ever make sense to you?

I took slow steps towards modesty gradually as my understanding of Islam increased.  Hijab is not just covering your head, but a whole way of protecting and honouring women.  The hijab doesn’t degrade woman, but elevates them with so much respect.

What made you take it up?

I put it on because I wanted to look like a Muslim, and be identified as one.  I was sick of looking like everyone else, and following the fashion, and most of all, being a slave to my desires.  It wasn’t until I put it on, that I realised, how much more people respect you.

And now that you have ‘got it covered’, how do you feel?  

I feel great. My husband respects me even more, and so does society.  I feel that the hijab protects me, and allows me to be myself.  I’m no longer treated as an object, but a strong woman who practices what she believes.

Jazak Allahu Khayr for your answers and here’s wishing you all the best from everyone at I Got It Covered!

I sat in the room, alone, observing my new dress that I wore, and carefully examining my accessories. I was dressed in the most stylish of clothes with perfect matching accessories, and along with my new haircut, I thought I looked the most beautiful of all.

But would others approve? As I asked myself this question, I started to perceive many flaws in my appearance.

Suddenly my best friend entered the room, looking very graceful and elegant; I smiled at her and remarked, “You look beautiful –as usual.”

“Thanks,” she replied.

“But the makeup is too heavy,” I continued in a frank tone. “I mean people are going to be like: why is she so dressed up? She looks like a bride.”

“I don’t care what people think,” she retorted back.

I looked at my friend in wonderment; how can you stop caring about what people think? This had always been an unresolved mystery in my mind. I could never understand the reality of the “I-don’t-care” phenomenon, and a very big reason for this was that my heart was a captive to the love of this world. I had spent a large part of my life pleasing  people, but I would never admit this to myself.

“Let’s go” my friend shouted, and my train of thoughts stopped with the “let’s have fun” signal.

We both went to a family dinner, and as usual, these dinners are more of a family type fashion show: where everyone from the toddlers to the grandmothers is dressed in the most stylish way. The aunties are like the fashion analysts who are just too busy eyeing every girl for their sons, and merely judging the girls on their dressing sense. While the young ladies are like social butterflies, mingling with everyone, be they from amongst the men or the women.

In such a gathering, I was talking to my friends, enjoying the compliments I received, constantly refreshing my makeup, and eating as less as I could so as not to ruin my dress.

As I was eating I said to my friend, “why are those aunties staring at us?”

My friend turned to look, and then replied to me, “Why do you care? Stop caring so much about what people think.”

Again a series of questions sparked off in my mind. I silently continued with my dinner, but suddenly my attention was drawn towards someone sitting afar, covered from head to toe in black. She was wearing a niqab and eating her dinner in a way that seemed to be very difficult to me.

I stared at that lady, who appeared very obviously to be isolated by everyone as no one dared go near her. Everyone just walked and talked around her as if she didn’t exist.

But I was too much in awe of her character, her attire, and how she was just sitting there in a black burqah –giving up all her desires that every girl has to dress up.; how she preferred her Lord over the world, how easily she seemed satisfied with her decision, how true she seemed in front of her Lord. As I observed her, I took a deep sigh, and prayed: Oh Allah! Allow me to reach such a state where I also stop caring about the world and give up everything for You.

My friend turned to me and said, “Hey look at that ninja! I wonder how she can dress like that.”

I replied, “She doesn’t care what people think about her.”

***

A year later, I returned back from my best vacation ever which was spent in Egypt. I used to believe that that trip gave me a new sense of liberty, but I little realized that it actually made my soul restless.

When I returned back home, I felt empty. My friends tried counselling me but I would always reply with a silent nod to their kind words. My family could not understand my deep silence and I myself could not recognize what my heart searched for, even though everything seemed to be in the right place.

I started living my life by the “I-don’t-care” rule: wearing more immodest clothes, listening to music, doing what the entire “I-don’t-care” crowd does. But inside my heart, I knew what I was doing wasn’t right.

I could feel the guilt of breaking my promise to my Lord –though I knew that no matter how much anyone claimed to understand me, only my Creator could understand me. In the middle of sleepless nights, I would cry and try to make sense of my life. I had everything but I wanted something else. I knew this world was temporary so why was I allowing myself to be fooled by it?

I would think to myself that my grave would be dark just like this room; in fact it would be so much darker and smaller. I could still call out to my parents for help if needed in this room, but in my grave who would I be able to call out to?

Then I would confess to my Lord, indeed I have wasted my life, and a tear would roll down my cheek. And then I would assure myself, I still have time, I can change, but Shaytan would make all this thinking useless by making me feel hopeless again.

But one night, as I was crying, I told myself I can change; and just as Shaytan started messing with my mind, I firmly told myself: I am a slave of Allah. My job is to take a step and it is Allah’s will if He wants me to get to the end of this road, He will help me through it. I promised myself that this time I will change, and even if I failed, I had firm faith in Allah’s mercy, and that no matter what the end result would be, at least on the Day of Judgement I would be able to tell Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala that at least I tried, at least I took a step.

A month later, I joined an Islamic course, and with the mercy of Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala, and in the company of my pious and beautiful teacher, I changed. I became a completely new person. But this process of change didn’t come easy. You have to really struggle a lot to overcome your own desires. It is easy to achieve triumph over things in this world but it is extremely difficult to defeat your own self.

One of the biggest battles I had to fight was starting the hijab. Everyday I would ask myself, when will I start wearing hijab? I would then answer, tomorrow.

After which the arguments would begin in my head: what will people say? What if I stop wearing it suddenly? What if it doesn’t suit me? and a series of “what-if’s” would change my mind every time.

But I continued to make immense du’a to Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala and finally, by His Mercy, I started hijab and the niqab.

The first time I went to a dinner party with my hijab and niqab I was extremely nervous. As I entered I kept looking at my feet, trying to avoid the negative vibes that came from the fashion-conscious aunties. I felt that I didn’t have the courage to face them. My mind kept telling me, don’t look up, don’t look at them, just ignore them. I secretly made du’a to Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala to create ease for me in this step, and my heart then told me: it’s time to face them.

Something in my mind instantly replied, no, what must they all be thinking about you?

I humbly looked up, smiling to myself, and answered that daunting question with a simple reply: I don’t care what people think.

And that was the day when I actually understood the reality of these words. That was the day when these words came from my heart and I understood that when you do something for your Lord, then it is His Mercy that surrounds your heart and thus you give in to true submission to Him; and that is when He makes the trials of this world very easy.

When the hearts are fully submerged in the ocean of submission to Him — that is when the high tides of this world cause no harm to the one who is already overcome –overcome by the storm of Hubbu lillah (love for Allah).

When I first started covering, I just wanted to do it so badly that I couldn’t hold it off any longer. In fact, I hadn’t planned anything at all. I had with me just one pin, which was a gift from a neighbor. I owned about 3-4 colored scarves, and just before Ramadan, I had bought myself an abaya and head caps. The abaya I really wanted for going to the Masjid and especially for Taraweeh (night prayers) so I could pray with good intentions. I was not thinking about the hijab then, rather just pondering upon ways to get closer to Allah (subhanahu wa ta’ala).

A year ago, I gained a much closer understanding to the meaning of hijab that made me want to delve right in. However due to various external pressures and concerns from friends and family, I decided to wait. And wait. And wait some more until someone would finally say to me “Okay, now you’re ready.”

After all, it is a life-changing decision, right? It will stick with me perhaps for the rest of my life, won’t it? I guess I need acquire “sufficient knowledge” first. Thus the excuses poured in.

But what I didn’t understand then was that it wasn’t knowledge that I was lacking after all. What I needed was a burst of faith that would come with confidence, a positive attitude, and fearless motivation. To want to cover is an amazing feeling because it makes light of all the hardships that may accompany it. The desire is a beautiful sense of inspiration from deep within.  Hijab is a command by our Rabb, the Most High. It dignifies and upholds our religion, it strengthens our Imaan. A Muslim is the one who submits to the the One Lord and obeys His commands. All this is understood and most of us are well aware. Then why is it that when it comes down to acting upon the understanding, we hesitate? Pure submission heeds no hesitation, you must simply go in head first.

Therefore, the Hijab –my Hijab, is a beautiful expression of submission. It is a means to provide a wonderful experience of developed confidence and respect from everyone. That extra piece of cloth in even the hottest of days can be the greatest sense of security for a Muslimah. Hijab is such a beautiful blessing, that even when you feel like uncovering or exposing just a little, your heart thuds loudly to tell you to stop. Your heart desires to be valued as something much more precious than diamonds and pearls. Something hidden, like a secret that no ordinary man can be told. Hijab. I’m falling in love with the word. I can say it a billion times and scream at the top of my lungs to let the whole world know: I’ve made my decision.

Modesty, humility and humbleness are truly admirable in both men and women. These are characteristics that must accompany the Hijab.

We should remember Allah is always by our side. He Knows, He Sees, He Understands us more than we do ourselves. He guides whomever He wills. It is ultimately a favour to be able to see clearly, listen, adapt, and use our hearts firmly in our faith. I thank Rabb al ‘Alameen for guiding me to this beautiful favour of His; for calling me towards Him every day and every night by giving me opportunities to obey Him. I feel so blessed, loved, and protected subhanAllah. May Allah give us all the tawfeeq (ability) to come closer to Him (subhanahu wa ta’ala) this Ramadan and for the rest of our lives, Ameen.

A Letter of Love

With pen in hand, under the moonlight I etch down a letter of love, I erase and re-write

How do I put into words how you cured my strife?

Rescuing me the untamed seas of this ending life

You changed my life in more ways than you’ll ever know

I remember that day how you set my faith in love aglow

A sister’s advice and a mother’s guidance

You awakened in me, an un-silencing conscious

You made me a stranger to others, but as we grew I cared less

My love for you and what it stood for I would never suppress

Pen down, I see you from where I sit

The moonlight shining on you, as if internally lit

And yet you will never read this letter, for the words of love you cannot say

But I know that Allah loves me because He allowed me to don you each and every day

You are but four corners of fabric that I so desperately love

You are who I am, a command sent from above

I call you Hijab, but oh you are so much more

You are my protection, my light, my dignity and to Jannah my door

My decision to wear hijab was a quick one. A sudden one. One that could only have been decided for me.

The most I had ever thought about hijab was that I’d wear it when I was old. Maybe. After going for Hajj. After I was done having “fun” with my life… because, you know, we all know how long we have to live, right?

Two weeks prior to my decision, I was at a Christmas party from work; mixing, drinking alcohol, dancing, and of course wearing very revealing clothing.

You’d think I would have learned my lesson, a year before that, as I lay in the hospital, dying of liver failure. Something I’d done to myself after overdosing on a bottle of Tylenol 3′s and other painkillers. A way out from all the pain, when I didn’t have the skills to cope with it any longer.

Except it didn’t kill the pain. It only intensified, as I lay their motionless, not able to move my body or speak.  Two nurses, switching shifts, exchanged knowing glances, and one said to the other, “How is she?”

“She won’t make it through the night,” was the reply.

SubhanAllah, it was like a switch went off inside me. I couldn’t speak, but in my head I was shouting, “Yes I will!”  In that moment, I went from wanting to end it all, to wanting to prove that I would make it.

When I got through it, I knew I had to make a change, but I was so far removed from religion, that my only thought was to serve others, to be a better person in this world. And so, I started working at a center for teens, so that I could help other teens going through depression.  And I started a charity drive for victims of war. And in between, I had my “fun.”  Wanting to live my life to the fullest, now that I’d been so close to death.

Of course, something was still missing. I was happier. I was feeling more fulfilled, but still many nights I’d cry myself to sleep, wondering what it was all for.

One day, I was feeling so lost and confused and I didn’t know what else to do, or who to talk to, so I snuck downstairs and grabbed a copy of the Qur’an we had, and went back up to my room. And I said, “God, please give me a message.”

I closed my eyes, opened up the Qur’an to a random page, and pointed my finger on some verses. And what came up was the following:

“Did He not find thee an orphan and protect thee?
And found you wandering and direct thee?
And found you destitute and enriched thee?”
[Surah al Duhaa 93: 6-8]

I bawled and bawled my eyes out. I felt Allah had written those messages for me, personally.

It wasn’t until a year later, at a funeral of a relative of ours, that it fully hit me.  As I stood in the room where she lay, cold and pale, women around me wailing, I stared at the body and thought that this is what it will come down to. This is where it ends, and look at all that Allah has done for me.  He (subhanahu wa ta’ala) brought me back to life, when the world was about to pronounce me dead.

And the question echoed in my head, loud and clear: “What have I done for Allah?’

And now those verses made sense.

I stared off in a daze, and quietly resolved to keep my headscarf on.  It felt like a protection, like a barrier between myself and the world. I had obstacles, though.

My family was not happy with my decision. At the funeral, I told them I would be keeping the hijab on, and they laughed at me.  When I came home, and even went to bed wearing it, they realized I was serious. My decision was not only about hijab, but also prayer. I didn’t know how to pray, and so, for a while, I’d do whatever I thought was close enough, and would mumble prayers and ask Allah to help me figure it all out. And slowly, bit by bit, I did.

That very first day wearing hijab, I had my wallet stolen by two drug dealers, when I headed in to work. Talk about a test! But once again, Allah helped me through; within hours, they came back and returned it, untouched and they apologized, subhanAllah…

My family was my biggest struggle though. I would hide in my room in order to pray, and there were lots of arguments and fights about hijab, and later jilbab.  But, I stayed firm. I knew that whatever test Allah gave me, was not bigger than the blessings He had given me, and continued to give me.

And eventually they came around. A year later, my sisters started wearing hijab, and then two years after that my mom did. And now almost ten years later, my parents are both praying, and sometimes even ask me questions about Islam.

Just shows you the power of du’a, and patience.  Who knew that two weeks prior, I was committing all kinds of sins, oblivious to the consequences, that I would do a complete flip? It is a reminder to everyone, including myself, to never judge others based on their outside appearance.

That step toward hijab, may come at a moment’s notice. While you are unaware.

Mine did.

“He knows what is in the heavens and on earth; and He knows what you conceal and what you reveal: and Allah knows well the secrets of all hearts.”[Surat at-Taghabun, 64:4]

“Whether you hide your word or publish it. He certainly has full knowledge of the secrets of all hearts. He is the One that understands the finest mysteries and is well-acquainted with them.” [Surat al-Mulk, 67:13-14]

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Follow M.K. at her Facebook page: facebook.com/mombodysoul

Image courtesy of Kyle Kruchok

Although I had a Muslim upbringing and went to an Islamic school, I didn’t really know Islam until very recently (I am now in my twenties). Sure, I knew some chapters from the Qur’an, wore “hijab”, and even “prayed and fasted” at times; but real eman (faith) did not penetrate deep into my soul until I was about nineteen years old. What led me to this path? I would love to say that I accepted it from my own accord, but I had nothing to do with it since it was only through the Mercy of Allah that I consciously became a Muslim. We always say things like “I chose this religion” but it is in fact Allah who chooses us; it is Allah who guides us to the straight path.

When I was young, I can remember thinking that I was ugly. What began this thought process? I am not really sure how, but I can remember many instances in my childhood where the elders in my family would tease me about my “flat nose” or my chubbiness. Whenever my cousins and I gathered together for pizza or junk food, my relatives would address only me (most of the time) and tell me to stop eating. I would feel so embarrassed and would run to my room and cry for the rest of the day. As I cried, I remember really hating them for making me feel that way and vowed to never make any person feel this way. As a kid, such comments made me feel extremely insecure and left out. Although the little comments and teasing stopped as I grew up, the pain of it never really left me.

When I began secondary school, my low self-esteem issues and insecurity continued on with me. Although I wore the hijab on my head, I tried to wear tight-fitted clothing in order to fit in with my peers. Whenever I got compliments on how I looked, I would get extremely happy and my entire day would turn for the better. Because of my upbringing and because I never really understood the purpose of hijab, I wanted to look like all the cool girls who had boyfriends. This mindset continued even after I graduated from high school.

After attending an Islamic lecture in my local university during my freshman year, I felt kind of ashamed because of what I was wearing. Even though to the mainstream society I was dressed very modestly, I would still feel a twinge of shame whenever I saw a sister wearing an abaya. The sisters were very nice to me masha’Allah and did not make me feel uncomfortable in any way, but I just couldn’t help but feel different and inferior.  When I came home that night, I decided I was going to take the weekend course but I just could not wear my normal clothes. In the morning, as I rummaged through my closet, I found an abaya I had wore one time. I was so happy because now I didn’t have to stand out. When I walked into the class, everyone I knew was shocked at first because they hadn’t recognize me.

All the girls started giving me compliments and telling me how good I looked. This was really the turning point for me because I always used to think abaya’s were ugly and unattractive. But when I got all the positive feedback, it completely changed my view on what being beautiful entailed. When I went home that day, I made a conscious decision to wear the abaya from then on. It was a huge transition for my family and relatives as well because of how they used to view me. For the most part, everyone (everyone that mattered, at least) took it very positively. I did get some negative remarks from some aunties, but I didn’t let it ruin my happiest moment.

As I started wearing my abaya everywhere, I noticed that my behaviour started to change as well, since I couldn’t do the things I previously did when I wasn’t wearing a long abaya. So really, this simple cloth was the catalyst for my transformation, inner as well as outer. Gradually, I began to watch my actions more, like praying with concentration, keeping away from the opposite gender (including male cousins), stopped listening to music, and most importantly, I began to surround myself with practicing sisters.

There is so much to say, and I’ve skipped a lot of events in my story; but I just wanted to get to the important part and that is: modesty is a never-ending journey. Even though I wore the abaya (and still do, alhamdullilah), it doesn’t make me immune from sinning. The most important aspect of the religion is keeping steadfast after starting something good. How many people accept Islam and then leave it? How many girls wear the hijab and then remove it? It just shows us that eman is not something that is constant, but rather we have to work to keep it. Ultimately, the hijab (the physical aspect of it) should keep us in check and stop us from committing a sins against Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala.

My road to Hijab began two years ago while I was still not a fully-practising Muslimah. I was not born into a practising Muslim family or country and therefore, I lacked knowledge. However, I started picking up the scattered pieces gradually and began to practise my deen. By that time, I could relate modesty as an integral part of Islam.

One of my friends who was on the same track as me echoed similar thoughts. Since we were still very new at practicing our faith, we decided to use our common sense to define modesty. So initially, although we used to wear the usual clothes, we used to cover our bosom extensively with extra layers of clothes. Soon, I started to discard clothes which were too revealing. I had always felt that a golden heart is what matters, so I did not have much of a problem in the process and did not care whether others found me “beautiful” or not.