Journey Back to Hijab

Posted by Guests on 8/27/10 • Categorized as My Hijab, My Story,Stories & Articles

Some things are, like they say, one step forward and two steps back. But, as guest writer Bisma shares, with pure intentions and persistence, and help from Allah ta’ala, it’s possible to come out ahead.

My hijab story is like a secret diary no one should ever read. It is filled with horrible facts about me and points to my mistakes and weaknesses. My journey to hijab is filled with fear, negativity and regret. So I warn you: read with caution.

The most important thing you should know is that I used to wear hijab, but eventually took it off. I hate saying it, admitting to the world that I was one of those ignorant girls who went backwards after putting on the hijab, instead of moving forward with my deen. But it’s what I did and I can’t change that.

I first put on the hijab due to an extreme iman rush after an Islamic conference and pressure I felt from my community members, because, masha’Allah, almost all the girls I knew already wore hijab and were so religious. I always felt like an outcast not wearing it, so I decided to just do it.

After putting on the scarf, however, I was extremely self-cautious. I would feel fine wearing it when I was around my religious friends; but, when I was with other “normal” people, I was ashamed. I tried to cover while still blending in: wearing hoods and hats to cover my hair, instead of proper hijab. I didn’t understand that “hijab” was true modesty, not only in dress, but in actions as well. I treated the hijab simply as a cloth on my head.

During that period, I regretted the day I decided to wear the hijab and every bone in my body screamed at me to take it off, but I was afraid of what people would think of me. So I continued my self-loathing and wore the scarf. I felt horrible because I knew I wasn’t getting reward from Allah ta’ala. After all, I only kept on my hijab from fear of people’s judgment, rather than fulfilling the command of my Lord.

The regret continued and became stronger each day. I woke up miserable, knowing I had to put on my hijab. I hated going out, especially with my husband, because I felt that every other girl looked beautiful to him except me. His consolation only made it worse. I didn’t believe him when he said I looked beautiful, because I felt ugly, inside and out. I was always irritated and fighting with everyone around me.

After two years of my ongoing battle with the hijab, my nafs finally won, leaving my iman scattered to pieces. I shed the command of my Judge. I couldn’t handle it anymore. But taking off my scarf didn’t give me the relief I was looking for. I still had regret. Sure, I was happier sometimes because I got to do my hair, but I felt really bad and disappointed in myself. This time, when I was around my religious friends, I felt ashamed. I felt like I was less than them. I knew I wasn’t happy before, but at least I had been following Allah’s command. Now, I still had regret and I was disobeying. It was a lose-lose situation.

I tried to console myself whenever the regret kicked in, telling myself that at least I was a good person that prayed, fasted and dressed modestly. But I always knew in the back of my mind that I was disobeying Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala, every second of everyday that I was in front of non-mahrams. My biggest fear was dying without wearing the hijab.

A year and half after taking off the hijab, I went to hajj with my husband, alhamdulillah. It was quite the experience, but I did not cover when I came back home. SubhanAllah! Now the guilt was doubled. Everyone was calling me “Hajji,” but I felt like a big fraud, a failure. While I was discussing hajj with a few people, someone said, “A sign that your hajj has been accepted is if you change after completing it.”

I immediately felt foolish. I knew I hadn’t changed all that much even though my reoccurring du’aa at hajj was that I would wear the hijab. This statement slowly brought about the change I needed. At that point, I knew I had to wear hijab again. I had to make a difference in my life and gain Allah’s ta’ala’s love.

I thought about putting on the hijab everyday after that. Every morning I would wake up and say to myself, “Today is the day…” but it never was. I walked around everyday with a smile on my face, even though I was constantly in battle with my nafs.

Why am I so weak? How come everyone I know can wear it, but not me? How is it possible that everyone just loves hijab and I despise wearing it?

I realized that I didn’t simply hate the hijab, I was afraid of it, afraid of what it could turn me into: a self-loathing, low self-esteem introverted human being. I felt like my iman was so much higher when I wasn’t wearing hijab than when I was. The fear of wearing hijab was so strong, that even truly wanting to wear it wasn’t enough to make me put it on.

I tried to increase my iman as much as I could, so that I would have the courage to cover myself, as my Lord has prescribed. My sister-in-law visited me from Atlanta and took that opportunity to speak to me about death and the last days. She told me that she used to be afraid of death because, like me, she didn’t want to die hijab-less. Once she put on the hijab however, she said that her fear of dying had decreased immensely. She helped me realize that my fear of hijab was miniscule compared to my fear of the Day of Judgment, when I would be asked about my deeds.

What would I say when I was questioned about the hijab? ”I didn’t want to look ugly”? I feel the inadequacy of saying it to myself, so how could I possibly face my Creator and say that to Him?

In hopes of continuing to increase my iman, I listened to the Hereafter Series by Imam Al-Awlaki. Something he said really hit a nerve with me, alhamdulillah. He said that the Day of Judgment is 50,000 years long and that’s not even including the rest of the akhira – that’s just that one day. Meanwhile, we live on this earth for maybe a hundred years, if we are blessed with a very long life. And on the Day of Judgment these hundred years will seem like they were fifteen minutes long, if that. Will it be worth it, at that point, that I got to show my hair off to strangers and feel “pretty” for fifteen minutes? Of course not!

My fear of hijab was slowly starting to diminish, with the help of Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala. Soon after, I was truly inspired by a close friend of mine who decided to wear the hijab. I was so happy to see her at my door, proudly wearing her white and black hijab. I was shocked and a part of me, a huge part, felt guilty, because there she was covered and modest, meanwhile I didn’t even wear hijab. My shock was not due to her lack of iman or anything; I know her as a very good Muslimah, masha’Allah, and may Allah make her even better than what others assume of her. Rather, it was because of her family, who was very against hijab. But against all odds and by the will of Allah, she chose to wear the hijab anyway. She put Allah ta’ala’s command first, disregarding what her own family would think and how they would react. I was overwhelmed by her strength, proud of her courage and jealous of her commitment and iman. She truly inspired me and made me feel the guilt of disobeying Allah’s command without saying a single word.

That was the last straw. Alhamdulillah, I decided to wear the hijab a few days later. This time, I felt so strong and ready to face the challenges that would confront me. I knew it wouldn’t be easy, and I certainly wasn’t looking forward to the hard times; but I knew that earning Allah’s wrath just to show off my hair was not only foolish, but also utterly insane.

It has been three months since I put on the hijab and by the mercy of Allah, I plan to keep it on. Hijab is a choice I make everyday, every time I step out of my house or meet a non-mahram. By the will of Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala, I hope to make the right choice everyday, for the rest of my life, and look forward to reaping the benefits in the akhirah.

Tagged as: excuses, struggles

62 I like this

Sultana

SubhanAllah…Alhamdulillah……:)
Wht was ur past thts nt imp wht is ur present thts much imp….JazzakAllahu Khair…..:)
Anmole

i want to veil my face too, all her inner feelings towards hijab are exactly like mine for a niqab. i know i should wear it, but i dont want to wear it. there are instances where i feel, okay this is the time, i start afresh from today, but then theat day, that year just passes by. May Allah give me strength to don the complete veil very soon. Ameen.
Fatima

Mashallah, I find this story to be very endearing. x3
nadia

“I felt like my iman was so much higher when I wasn’t wearing hijab than when I was.”

This part really hit home for me because for so long i felt the same way. At first i also wore hijab out of “fear” for my “aakhera” but elhamdulillah with time it becomes easier, better and more meaningful.

When your journey to hijab is so hard, it can only be uphill from there :)
May Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala ease your difficulties, quell your fears and plant the love of hijab in your heart. For indeed he is the master and controller of all hearts.
Sona

Alhumdullilah you’ve been wearing it for 3 months, and inshaAllah you’ll continue to do so till the day we leave this earth!
arshiakola

may Allah keep us all steadfast..
Inspirit

The reality is that we all have our own paths that Allah already knows that we have to take. You HAD to take your hijab off in order to truly know in your heart why it was important to put it on. Do not be ashamed of your journey because if it wasn’t for that journey, you wouldn’t have made the beautiful discovery, or recovery of your hijab. May Allah continue to strengthen you and keep you near to Him.
Anonymous

Aaameen.

This worked for this sinful slave, maybe it might work for you too inshAllah. The way to get past our fears before taking a decision for Allah swt, is to fall in love with Him. Once we’re in love, we stop being afraid. We do it out of sheer love. Hijab, abaya, veil – they all come naturally then. Our Rab e Kareem Is Waiting patiently for us. May Allah swt Give us the pleasure of His love. Aaameen.
Afraa_006

I love how honest you are :)
It makes you story all the more inspiring!
Inshallah you’ll get the ultimate reward of Jannah!
http://www.greeksrethink.com Greeks Rethink

Ma sha Allah, that was a truly inspiring story. Well written too!
Anonymous

That story relates to almost every woman that wears a hijab subhanAllah. I myself, wear a niqab and trust me , everyday is a challenge and a struggle . Somedays us women are more emotional than other days, and somedays are harder than other…. I remember when i started wearing a niqaab at university, i wasn’t scared of what people would think or say, i felt really strong. However, my brother noticed it will be a challenge, and he told me that If you ever feel like you are the only Muslim standing, look around and you will see that the Muslims actually outnumber the non Muslims, look at the sky , all these trees, Allah will make them a means of protection for you like he did to the prophets before us.. Nature worked by the will of Allah, to protect the believers when anyone wanted to harm them..
Thats just my 2 cents ..for all the sisters who cover modestly, dont ever be scared of anyone or anything other than Allah.. He is the Protector..
Iqra

I’m glad you won the battle with your nafs in the end–that is the highest form of jihad, after all :)
AMG

Jazakallah Khair for that inspiring story, Alhamdulillah ^__^
Samiira

Mash Allah Sister u are truly inspiring. :)
Chrysler89

thankyou i needed this x
Chrysler89

thankyou i needed this x
Uri Fati

I really do like your story sister. I am reverted Korean muslim, and wearing hijab since I did shahada. Many sisters complemented me, but actually I sometims wanted to take it off. Because other Korean girls are wearing beautiful clothes showing their hairs and necklines… Yeah- we wear hijab for the sake of ALLAH ta’ala. Our life in this world is like 15 minutes when it comes to the day of judgement. I completely agree with the word. Now I imagine my self taking off hijab like you did before… would i be happy? – I can definitley say I won’t… like you didn’t satisfied with taking it off. Thank you so much for sharing your experience. May ALLAH bless you and increase you in good everyday.
Sharshura

“It has been three months since I put on the hijab and by the mercy of Allah, I plan to keep it on. Hijab is a choice I make everyday, every time I step out of my house or meet a non-mahram. By the will of Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala, I hope to make the right choice everyday, for the rest of my life, and look forward to reaping the benefits in the akhirah.”

This is so true. Its a choice that every woman has to make everyday. I am going through a ruff time with hijab. I have worn it full time for 2 years and have recently been part timing it. I feel that when I was wearing it, I wasn’t wearing it for Allah. I am struggling so hard. In my mind when I see myself it is always without hijab, but in my heart, I know I will wear it again. I don’t know how to make the two agree.

Please make du’a for me. Thank you sister for this reflective post.
Sharshura

“It has been three months since I put on the hijab and by the mercy of Allah, I plan to keep it on. Hijab is a choice I make everyday, every time I step out of my house or meet a non-mahram. By the will of Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala, I hope to make the right choice everyday, for the rest of my life, and look forward to reaping the benefits in the akhirah.”

This is so true. Its a choice that every woman has to make everyday. I am going through a ruff time with hijab. I have worn it full time for 2 years and have recently been part timing it. I feel that when I was wearing it, I wasn’t wearing it for Allah. I am struggling so hard. In my mind when I see myself it is always without hijab, but in my heart, I know I will wear it again. I don’t know how to make the two agree.

Please make du’a for me. Thank you sister for this reflective post.
Alo2090

thankkkkk you so much for this story.
i am a non-hijabi girl…and i am going familiar phase.
i was just talking w/ my friend about that.
soba hana alaha, my iman and faith in Allah is increasing minute by minute and i feel like i am getting closer to Him. yet, one thing i am missing is the hijab :’(
today, after friday prayers, i decided to keep on my scarf and my abaya to pratice and see how i can handle it.
and soba ana Allah, i felt happy and proud of myself. yet, i am not 100% to make this decision due to my closet and number of hijab(s) that i don’t have that don’t match my clothes.
even better, my clothes are not bad. i don’t show anything, and try my best to be modest in my clothes to respect myself. I don’t even care about anyone, not even guys, not anymore. I don’t wear clothes to show off my fashion and what not, i wear them because they’re gifts from Allah and they’re there for me to cover myself in proper way….but like your story, I plan to wear it one day, and i know this day will come insha Allah, it’s just matter of praticing and getting in the habit, and start slowly get ready for it.
may Allah make it easy on me and girls out there that have the intentions to wear it.

even better, my best friends got me an abaya cause i asked her to, for tarweeh prayers during ramadan, and my other best friend got me a hijab and a scarf as birthday gift. and they’re helping me to get in the habit.
;)
nurbihaqqi

Mash Allah Sister, thank you for such an inspiring story. I can really relate to what you have written. It has really made me realize that all of us faces common fears with regards to wearing the hijab. Your story has really inspired me sister. May Allah bless you with the strength to go on this journey.
Alo2090

i agree with you.
you had to go thru this experince of taking it off, because u did learn MORE about urself and about Allah which is a win-win situation
plus the sha’tan was in you which is why u wanted to take it off first place.
now you over won him and he knos ur stronger than before and can’t get to u as easily.
so its tripple win win
congratulations and keep on the good work.
:)
Hidden_veracity89

subhanALLAH! may Allah reward you for sharing this story ameen
UmmuYahya Sultaanah

“O you who believe! Enter into Islam wholeheartedly; and follow not the footsteps of Satan; for he is to you a plain enemy. ” Surah Al-Baqarah ayah 208
My dear sis, this is truly a sad story to read but one which SubhaanAllah affects so many and InshaaAllah continues on blisfully. I think it is more disheartening that a person wear the hijaab but commits so much sin rather than the other way around so it is by the will of Allah that you InshaaAllah belonged to the latter and now InshaaAllah you will be of the pious who is pleasing Allah not only with your actions but your dress too.
I can safely tell you that every trial is difficult in the beginning and your trial, even though it seems like it has begun so long ago (when you put on than took off the hijaab), is still beginning since you’re attempting again to wear it but this time for with the correct intention. So the GREAT news is that it gets sooooo much easier with the correct intention and when you ask Allah for His help and patience in facing the trial. Allah gives the trials to those whom He desires good(ie to be closer to Him and to increase their status) and He never leaves alone His slaves to battle by themselves. This is the nature of Allah and His trials. So InshaaAllah, May Allah make it easy for you and increase you in doing the deeds beloved to Him and make them beloved to you Ameen Ameen Ameen!
anonymous

a very honest account of ur story sis, i can relate too. my situation was similar in that i took off my hijab because i jus didnt understand why i was doing it other than following others mindlessly. i found it too fussy and it irritated me. i was never bothered about showing off my looks or anything as such though, but i jus didnt feel it was necessary, i was always a modestly dressed person. in fact i had religious frends who wud make comments about this and this made me even more determined not to wear it for others. however, i knew one day i wud put it on again even though i was worried about my future etc but when i was ready to accept it. i realised that only Allah can give me what i want anyway so as my iman increased so did my desire to wear hijab. i have been wearing it for many months now and even though i still dont feel like its necessary for me or thats its a part of me, i do it for Allah (swt).
Sumayya Munawar

amazing story sister there are a lot of muslimahs out there who don’t know that it is a change of heart rather that shows on your outer self, rather then trying to blend in the crowd

may ALLAH make you stronger and help you hld firm to the newly found price of jewelry from Jannah ( your hijab)
Nafisah

Allah bless you, keep you strong, and shelter in His love and mercy! May on that day that will last 50,000 be for you filled with happiness as you see His Beautiful Face looking on you fondly for this act of obediance to Him. Ameen

Your Sister in Iman
Nafisah
Asma Bhatt

i wish i cud wear hijab
Guest

sister,so wat wud u say is stopping u!?:)go 4 it!
Bayuda_dream

I am happy that despite you were showing your hairs, you had a fine husband to take you to mecca to do your hajj. Not ummrah, but hajj. Wow. Its great that you are wearing your hijab now.
Elmarzuqamina

Masha’Allah alaiki sister. u ‘re not a bad muslimah all together, bcoz u kept fighting ur nafs to gain the love of ur ILAH. may Allah (SWT) giv u d strenght to continue with it.
UmmuYahya Sultaanah

Alhamdulillah sis, wearing hijaab is not an act for ourselves just like every facet of ‘ibaadah but it is an act for Allah. In the process of performing ‘ibaadah towards Allah we are thus safeguarded from the evils of jinn and men since this is the reason behind Allah’s commands and InshaaAllah fulfill our purpose in this dunya – solely to worship Allah!
Lubna Alsouqi

Allhamdullilah sis,,,i have similar story but since the last Ramadan i didnt remove my hijab anymore,,I feel bless to overcome this thing,,,I’m a converted Muslim and for 2 years im not wearing my hijab now with the help of Allah subhana wata allah now I cannot go out without my hijab,,its pretty good for sharing your story,,,Masha’Allah,,,
Narfairouz

I did the same thing as u did sister. im not wearing hijab now. yes i look nice, but i feel terrible. i was even cryin all night bcs i didn’t wear it. I took it off because i wanted to be like the women outside. the women that looked better than me when i was outside and covered and my husband next to me could see them. When we were at home i looked nice, but once outside i felt uglier and uglier. I want to put it on again but i dont want to put on the long clothes just normal clothes ofcourse not jeans and shirts but i dont want to put on the traditional clothes bcs thats just NOT ME. im 19 years old excuse me i want to look nice as wel. i dress up modest, but nice. so now im thinking why i put it on again ( i really want to ) but wear nice clothes as well? i mean i dont want to be a hypocrite, but i dont want to look too nice as well ( with my hair straightened and jewels all around ). i feel so sad when i look at my older pics. i say this is hypocrite allt hese arabs wearing a scarf and their husbands looking at british girls and why would i be that wife? Im arab and raised as a muslim, but never been really thaught about islam untill i thaught myself, so i feel morelike a converted muslim. anyway im talking too much. its been 3 months ago since i took it off and i want to wear it again, but what will my collegues think? take it off put it on take it off… id ont want them to think im crazy
PrincessShazana

Masha Allah..may Allah s.w.t. bless all of us and guide us in every way possible in our lives.
PrincessShazana

Salam sis, just putting in my thoughts..don’t think of what your colleagues or whoever will think of you, think and fear your Creator, your Rabb, is He happy with all we are doing? Our bodies are only instruments which help us in doing duties Allah has commanded us to do, and instead of beautifying our souls by thinking of the Akhira, we want to beautify our phisicality? This is what I thought when I was undergoing moments like this, but now, the only thoughts that come to me are, ” I am doing this for my Rabb, not to please anyone else.” Insha Allah may Allah guide us to not be affected to think of what others think, because what they think is not always the correct thing. People think differently and each one’s opinion is valid. Hope you’ll end up victorious insha Allah:) loves.
PrincessShazana

Sis, why not..do wear it! <3
http://www.igotitcovered.org/author/sarah/ Sarah

Alhamdulillah sister – we all have our struggles. Each one of us is going through some kind of struggle – whether or not you can see it on the outside. That is our jihad, our struggle of the nafs, of the soul.

One thing I wanted to say is what basis are you judging beaty on? Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, no? Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala gave us a definition of beauty – taqwa – and that automatically spills over to the phsyical aspects of a person. Whereas a person could have phsyical beauty, and a lack of taqwa can make them look… not pretty :).

If you check out some of the articles on here about requirements of hijab, you will see that there is no ‘uniform’ for hijab – there are general requirements (loose, covering, etc) which need to be fulfilled and one can fulfill them in many ways. Alhamdulillah, it’s a religion for everyone :).

I can see you *want* to do it – alhamdulillah that’s great! That has to be followed up by actions – it may not be easy. No guarantee about the action itself being easy – but Allah swt says ‘Verily with difficulty comes ease, with difficulty comes ease…’ [Sharh:6- 7]. It *will* get easier – but that ease comes *with* the difficulty. No pain, no gain, right? Turn to Allah, make du’aa to Him, make your intentions for His sake, make it your goal to please Him and Him alone and He will, inshaAllah, make it easier for you and reward you immensely for every action you take for His sake.

May Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala grant you the tawfique, the ability, to please Him and Him alone. Ameen.
ImmortalSoul

Asalamu alaikum sister. respect. charity. chastity. we should feel safest in great virtues than in people ego’s. Respected, comforted, and secured. That’s what makes you and us all so beautiful. Allah (G-d) is the only One we should fear before anyone else. That takes faith and courage cause most obviously don’t agree. many don’t want to respect our differences. Only their own likes (opinions/feelings). People like to (deceive) manipulate peace and reject us cause they’re selfish. prejudice. The ego is all about pleasure (likeable attitude/impression). That’s why so many (deny) don’t care about truth. To feel good. To feel protected (free/defended) in their egos; not virtues. Oh Allah Please Help us against satans. Just today I voted on facebook to condemn the killing of a Muslim sister for wearing the hijab. It saddens me so much. I ask Allah to bless all innocent/well meaning souls with the purest peace and paradise, only.

My best reason to live on earth is the same as going on any social site. To only submit to Allah in virtue and only worship Allah. Loved by Allah but not by people is better than loved by people but not by Allah (G-d). Sad that friendship often cannot go with G-d and people at the time. Our life on earth is like a second compared to the Day of Judgment. G-d will be our Only and Greatest Rewarder, That’ll be our only focus as though we had no other. This life is illusional (not real). Time on earth may come and go by slowly but soon it shall all end (expire) surely. “hi friends. what’s the best reason to go on facebook? for respect. charity. chastity. justice. it’s right for every race, religion, color, and people. best ways to peace.” http://www.causes.com/causes/338492. May Allah Bless her soul with paradise. May Allah answer our prayers. May Allah Help us to better us in (Islam) virtue. All Praises be to Allah, only. Peace be upon Prophet Jesus who was only Mary’s son. Peace and Blessings be upon Prophet Ibrahim and Muhammad is the seal of the Prophets. Peace and blessings be upon all of Allah’s Prophets Allah (G-d) is the Greatest Truth. Allah’s the Best to Help and to Protect. amin.
hijri

thank you for sharing. I understand some of what you have said. I’ve been wearing the hijab for 6months now and mashallah i am finding it easy, but I have had doubts and I have wanted to not wear it. But this has given me strength. x

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