The Feeling of Guilt

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When doubts about Allah’s obedience creep into our minds, its time to reflect, reevaluate, and renew intentions.

I woke up early yesterday morning and got dressed to go out shopping. As I began to put on my hijab, I felt something in the pit of my stomach. I ignored it and walked out into the living room to ask my sister how I looked. I was dressed in a pink hijab over a grey shirt to complement my favourite jeans skirt. She gave me a quick glance and said I looked fine. But I knew something was wrong, I just couldn’t point it out. Although I’ve worn this outfit a thousand times, today I felt that it just wasn’t me.

I went back to my room to find something more appropriate to wear but I heard my mom call out my name and so I ran out to the car. Ten minutes later we reached the mall.

As we walked through, I saw a Muslim sister dressed in a hijab. From a distance, her eye caught mine and I quickly turned away. As she approached me I heard a loud “asalamualykum” come from her and I faintly replied, “walykumasalam,” as I hurried by. That same feeling I had that morning came over me again. It was at that point that I realized what that feeling was… guilt.

These past few months, I had been feeling my eman slowly dwindle. I was doing my prayers late and I felt like my image didn’t match the person I was inside. Anyone on the outside would call me “religious” because of the way I dressed, but I didn’t feel that at all. And most importantly, it felt wrong or even hypocritical of me to dress as I did when I acted like I did.

Reflecting back on this, I realize that a critical reason for my guilt was the fact that I had forgotten the reason I chose to dress the way I did for so long. I also let thoughts like, “I shouldn’t do this because I wear a hijab,” lead me to think less of myself.

I had forgotten that I wore the hijab to please Allah. I forgot that my hijab, although it outwardly showed I was a Muslim, did not encompass all the actions I did to please Allah. Reflecting on it now, I realize that while the Shaytan made it seem like hypocrisy to me, it really was a reminder that I wore the hijab to please Allah. From a different perspective, these thoughts are simply a reminder to consider whether the rest of my actions please Allah as well.

The hijab should become a motivational asset in your life; one that will lead you closer to your goals. I may wear a hijab, but that does not mean to myself or to anyone else that I am a perfect Muslim. I make mistakes, but my hijab is one step in the right direction, with many more to follow inshAllah. My hijab is a reminder for me to continue to strive to please Allah.