Ya Ummi: Difficulties at Home

Posted by IGIC on 6/13/10 • Categorized as Stories & Articles,Ya Ummi

We received the following request for help from one of our sisters. Can you offer her any words of advice? Please leave a comment below.

Assalamu alaikum wa rahmutullah, sisters,

I badly need help from any of you… please… I started practicing Islam 3 years ago after I finished 12th grade, whereas my family were just cultural Muslims. They loathed my wearing hijab, practicing Islam…

As a family, we’re really close to each other, but since I turned to Islam, they all started accusing every mistake, big or small, that I do… they blame Islam.

My mom and I have fights often… she uses really bad language, and I’m unable to tolerate it, and sometimes it ends in physical fights because when she tries to hit me, and I try to defend myself, my hand raises, hitting her (not purposely) also…! I can’t imagine that I’m doing all this!

I have been going and saying “sorry” whenever something comes between us – it doesn’t matter who’s at fault – because she’s my mother, and I’ve learnt about what Allah and His Messenger salla Allahu alayhi wasallam tell us about parents. She doesn’t accept my apologies anymore, and says “All religious people are like this. They say sorry and we are supposed to forgive them,” and then she starts insulting again… really badly.

I’m totally depressed… I don’t know what to do… I feel Allah won’t accept me, my du’aa, my fasting… I feel so unworthy…

Please help me… I feel broken when she curses at Islam, at my loved ones… How should I control myself the next time?

_____________

“Ya Ummi” is an IGIC column for asking and giving advice, so named because the person we often turn to when we don’t know what to do next is our mother. If you would like to submit your own “Ya Ummi” post, you can do so via the Contact form. Please note that this is not a place to seek fatwas, but rather a place to seek advice from others who may have gone through similar experiences. If you would like answers to fiqh issues, you can visit IslamQA.com or contact your local imam.

Tagged as: daughter, mother, struggles

3 I like this

Habiba

When she criticizes you for saying sorry; tell her you are saying sorry as a person, her daughter, not to earn points. Allah(swt) knows how hard you are striving to make things work between you & your family & he won't let you down!
Saba Zia

sister,actually the problem lies in these words “I cant tolerate it”.The path to paradise is filled with hardships.and each time you face some difficulty and go through it patiently while keeping your reliance on ALLAH(SWT) you are raised in ranks.Remeber that your life is a test and test can neither be escaped nor you can solve it wrongly.both approaches will lead you to failure.and furthermore when you have a glace at surah ANNAAS(the very last chapter of Qura`n),you vil see the term 'Naas(People) repeatedly.that means the people around us are our great test.and this surah is the last surah.wisdom behind it is that when a person develops a complete understanding of Qura`n and starts acting upon it,the people around him/her become a huge obstacle in this way.but he/she is not supposed to treat them badly or escape out ov them but treat them as ALLA(SWT) has directed to treat `em.and hence this is a big test but keep in mind that you have to pass the test.and furthermore seek refuge with ALLAH(SWT) in such situation with a present heart conforming to the words uttered by tongue in the form of surah ANNAS!
May ALLAH(SWT) help n guide us to pass this test of life.ameen!'
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000535070284 Selma Islam

Selamu aleykum dear sister in Islam!

It really hurts me to read about your situation! We always have to bear in mind that Allah tests us because he loves us and that he would not give us a test we wouldn't be able to pass. SubhanAllah, I thought I was tested hard but I realized once again that there are others who are tested much harder.

May Allah grant you the strenght to overcome all those difficulties! I know a sister who had similar problems and who has cried every day for almost 2 years. And today she is happily married mashaAllah :)

I think that we belong to a generation that rediscovered practising Islam and that our parents are not used to that way of life… it is something strange for most of them. May Allah open their heart and lead them to the deen!

Sister, have a look at this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GRBXhK7kQj0
I think it is very sweet and inshaAllah it will help you to stay strong. Take care and never lose trust in Allah! Your sister Selma
Your sis

Salaam sis, this lecture may be of benefit inshaAllaah:
It's called “Being the Best to our Parents” By Nouman Ali Khan, and you can watch it at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hDgidHEWNPY
Sadaf

assalaamualaikum.
y do u think Allah will not accept u? it is allowd in islam 2 go against parents, when they order u 2 do smthng that goes against islam. & i totally agree wid saba zia, dont think that u cannot tolerate…think that by tolerating all dis, u r getting closer 2 Allah…& dont think “my hand raises, hitting her (not purposely) also”…controlling urself is ur test 4m Allah, maybe u'v been failing all dis tym, do u wan2 fail again? nxt tym such a situation comes, try 2 controle urself…i noe its easy 2 say but hard 2 do, & i donno if i wud hav been able 2 take dis myself…those muslims whose families r practicing muslims, its easy 4 them 2 follow islam, its more difficult 4 u, so u'll get more reward inshaallah…this is also jihaad, fighting 4 the sake of Allah,( iknew a hadis abt it, cant remember), but this fight shud not b violent…try ur best, & Allah gives reward depending on the intention…u r trying hard, so u'll b rewarded 4 trying inshaallah…& Allah is forgiving, so ask 4 4giveness wenevr u get depressd
Lalarukhwajahat

Dear sister,
I can empathize with you so much as I face a somewhat similar situation at home. My mom doesn't attack me physically but she is very against my religious decisions and same as your case all my mistakes are blamed on Islam and my mom opposed my decisions- she objects to my jilbab, attending halaqas and other things such as getting pictures taken on weddings as my family too are cultural muslims. But alhamdollilah its gotten better and heres some advice which I want to share with you which has helped me a lot and come a long way.

1. Pray 2 rakats of namaz-e-hajat at tahajjud time and pray to Allah swt to ease this for you and at the same time give your parents hidayat to accept your religious choices and not create obstructions for you.

2. When I was attending a halaqa, I had no time for my family which made them feel neglected and they felt I was getting brainwashed, and there was distance and much tension between us. So I quit my classes as it was just creating problems at home (May Allah swt gave me the opportunity to resume them) and I now make effort to keep some time for my mom so that we may bond over “normal, culturally acceptable activities”. Once a week, I try that my mom and I spend time at a restaurant or shopping or doing something which is normal and doesn't make her feel isolated. You have to understand your mom feels that she is losing you to religion and she doesnt understand your religious sentiment as you have crossed what is normal for her- and she has certain huqooq over you so make that effort to do small things whether theyre spontaneous hugs, or talk about your day- anything that doesnt make her feel that religion has taken you away from her.

3. If you are retaliate by hitting your mom accidentally obviously it will turn your mom off more because thats not what Islam preaches and your are unintentionally giving Islam a bad name. When my mom rants at me, or reproaches me unfairly, instead of retaliating (that just makes matters worse) I space out, or pray Aoozobillah or the 3rd kalmah or Lahulawalaquootailabilahi so that I can keep my anger in check.

4. If your mom has issues with your hijab- try experimenting with colours, designs and fabrics. So for instance, a kaftan or a coat or a poncho may be more acceptable than an abaya. Light colours or printed georgettes which dont give off such a harsh stern look may be more acceptable than a black abaya. Instead of taking huge steps which are not digestible for your mom take small steps. Try not to fight with your mom and aggravate her as then she will try to control how you dress. A couple of my friends (including me) sneak wear our abayas- we used to change into them at college. However, its stressful to hide and wear a jilbab and chances of getting caught and a huge issue being made are high so be smart about it. Include your mom in your clothing choices, go shopping together, perhaps when you're together wear something less objectionable but which fulfills the hijab requirement simultaneously. keep her in the loop about your religious choices dont surprise her and make loads and loads of duaas for it to get easier.

Remember it won't be easy, Rasulallah (PBUH) said there would come a time when practicing Islam would be like walking on hot coals, but you will get infinite rewards for your patience. Remember depression and loss of faith is from the Shaitan and it is the Sunnah of the Prophet and other pious people to be patient. After all mine and your hardships are not harder than the Pharoahs wife- and for that she will have a high rank in the hereafter- or the hardships the Prophet and his companions faced for the sake of Allah.

Just try to win your mom with love and with good character.
May Allah swt ease your journey. Over time inshallah it will get easier. Just remain steadfast.

Many duaas
Your fellow Muslim sister
anonymous, sa

salaams sister
may Allah make it easy 4 u. remember that Allah will never give u a burden more than u can bear, and that Allah tests those that He loves. be steadfast and patient and continue with ur ibadat. make lots of dua for ur family and that Allah make it easy 4 u. use wisdom when talking to them, dont talk too much about deen with them, rather let actions speak for themselves. read la ilaha illa anta subhanaka inni quntu minaz zaalimeen alot. may Allah guide and help u, ameen
Parvez Suny

My dear sister,
Just to say, Almighty ALLAH will help you indeed. No question, no confusion, just the matter of time being. Your pressnt situation doesn't mean that your dua & prayer is not accepted to ALLAH. I just wana remind you that Almighty ALLAH with you, who created the Heaven & Earth, as he said “INNALLAHA MA ASS SOOBERIN”. So my dear sister, SOOBUR please. May ALLAH help you.Aameen.
Jatia8306

sister im going through the same an maybe ten times worse, i am also much younger. i try to ignore the problem and think about what Allah will bring to me if i deal with the problem and turn it into something positive instead. I try to Ask Allah for help in letting me have enough spirit in me to show them the light of islam.
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000535070284 Selma Islam

May Allah help both of you! Ameen!
http://www.igotitcovered.org/author/sarah/ Sarah

wa 'Alaykumus Salaam wa RahamtuAllahi wa Barakatahuh My Dear Sister in Islam,

First off, just wanted to say Mabrook. Why Mabrook? Because being tested is a sign of Eman – shows that Allah subhanhu wa ta'ala wants to raise your rank, purify you of your sins, grant you hasanaat. Alhamdulillah.

Obviously it's hard – and I can't relate, not having experienced this – but the sisters have given amazing pieces of advice mashaAllah. I just wanted to say – Allah says in the Qur'an, Surah Baqarah, verse 286: “Allâh burdens not a person beyond his scope. He gets reward for that (good) which he has earned, and he is punished for that (evil) which he has earned.” — Allah is telling you whatever test He has given you is *something* you can overcome inshaAllah and pass with flying colours. The verse then continues with a beautifu du'aa: “Our Lord! Punish us not if we forget or fall into error, our Lord! Lay not on us a burden like that which You did lay on those before us (Jews and Christians); our Lord! Put not on us a burden greater than we have strength to bear. Pardon us and grant us Forgiveness. Have mercy on us. You are our Maulâ (Patron, Supporter and Protector, etc.) and give us victory over the disbelieving people.”

I'm sure we all know of Abu Hurairah, radhia Allahu 'anhu – the righteous companion who the most hadith mashaAllah. Did you know his mother was not Muslim? He used to always ask his mother to come to Islam but she wouldn't – she would say bad things against Islam. Once, he came crying to the Prophet, sall Allahu 'alayhi wa sallam – sad over something his mother had said. He asked the Prophet to make du'aa for his mother. That day, when he went to his mother's house, he found his mother's door closed. He heard water splashing. His mother told him to wait and when she was dressed, allowed him in. When he came in, she said 'Ashhadu an laa ilaaha ill Allah, wa ashadu anna 'abduhu wa rasooahu.' Allahu Akabr! When Abu Hurairah went to the Prophet again – he was crying, but this time with tears of joy. SubhanAllah.

There are so many stories of people who you would think would never accept Islam – would be so against it, and they do. Another example is 'Umar al Khattab, radhi Allahu 'anhu – people said about him that his donkey would accept Islam before him. SubhanAllah, Allah guided him.

Keep making du'aa – intense du'aa for your mother and your family. In the end, it is in the hands of Allah and Allah knows best. And remember: “Verily with diffculty comes ease, with difficulty comes ease.”

It's your duty to be the best Muslim possible inshaAllah… and by Allah's permission, maybe something will hit your mother's heart and she will come to Islam.

I ask Allah, Al Jabbar, to mend your heart – to grant you sakinah and to unite your family under the fold of Islam! AMEEN <3
muslima

Assalamu Alaikum Sister! Believe it or not, I am going through the EXACT same situation. Inshallah may Allah SWT guide us and our families. Just be patient and stay steadfast in this beautiful way of life. Allah SWT is testing us because He loves us. In this struggle, our sins are being wiped. Allah is doing this because He wants us to be pure of any sin.
Dominiquechristina

Asa Sis:
I would just ask that Allah (swt) increase you and firm up your resolve as He softens your mother's heart. It is not always easy to walk in the light and in fact, sometimes those closest to us provide the most challenges. But you are highly favored by Allah (swt) and in THAT sole fact, you are capable of negotiating situations with dignity and grace. I will add you to my duas. I wish you peace.
http://www.momo17.wordpress.com/ Maryam

Dear sister,
Walykum asalaam wa rahmatullah <3

Ok i have to say that i think that you are blessed. subhanAllah. Blessed because you are being tested subhanAllah. You see most of us out there are asleep- we are muslims by birth and not by choice- you are a Muslim by choice and thats outstanding subhanAllah- and thats why i love you for the sake of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala.

You know, ive been through the worse myself sometimes, and just remember sis that ur not alone out there, you have me, you have us, you have Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala; so never be depressed, never think that your alone, you are such a beautiful person, you have taken the right step and dont think of it as a mistake. Be proud of yourself alhamdulilah.

This decison of yours will pay dividends in the Hereafter inshaAllah- just keep praying, cry to your Rabb and make dua like never before, He will put this light in your heart through which you will be able to bear anything inshaAllah.

As for your parents, remember to be the best daughter you can be, remember to emulate Rasool Allah sallalahu alyhe wasallam. Remember what happened to Prophet Ibrahim upon him be peace? His father was very cruel to him, but he loved him for the sake of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala.

Try to love your parents for the sake of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, just try to forgive them when theyre wrong and talk to them politely and try to convince them that you are doing nothing thats wrong when they are in a good mood.

Always try to be positive. Read as much Quran you can with tafseer wheneever you can inshaAllah.

Ill always be here for ou, all of us will be inshaAllah.

You can have my number, my email add inshaAllah.

takecare love, ill always keep praying for you inshaAllah <3

I pray that Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala gives you all good both in this world and the Hereafter, that He facilitates all of your affairs for you, that He makes things easy for you sweetheart. ameen

much love
your sister
Maryam <3
tima

assalamu alaykum sister, im in the same situation as you. soubhanallah, i dont live with my mother but i know that when she will see me she will surely hit me. May Allah protect us. keep faith and put your trust in Allah. know that everything will be okay in the end
Ummisaiah

As Salaamu alaikum
Everyone has done their best to give you the best advice which is one of the six rights that a Muslim has over another Muslim.
So, let me try; I have a disbeliveing mother as well and she can be very challenging, but once I understood from Allaah and His Messenger (saw) that all respect is due to my parents and not to say as much as 'Umf' to them, then I had to change how I approached my mother and how I answered her disregard for me as a Muslim. Now, most of the time I just say “okay Ma” and other times I reply to her with something from Quraan and Sunnah, but most of the time I just say “okay Ma”, this makes her happy with me because I don't disrespect her and it shows her I'm listening to her but she's clear I'm not going to do what she says unless its correct and it complies with Islaam. Things like cleaning, paying bills or handling home matters with my husband.
You are going to be tested, these tests can relieve us of our sins and they are bearable because he person has their own test; this shows the power of our Lord's knowledge. So, hold on to the Rope of Allaah altogether and never, never, never disrespect your parents–WALK AWAY or just say “okay Ma”.
Here I'll reiterate another sister's avice to you Allah says in the Qur'an, Surah Baqarah, verse 286: “Allâh burdens not a person beyond his scope. He gets reward for that (good) which he has earned, and he is punished for that (evil) which he has earned.” The verse then continues with a beautiful dua'a: “Our Lord! Punish us not if we forget or fall into error, our Lord! Lay not on us a burden like that which You did lay on those before us (Jews and Christians); our Lord! Put not on us a burden greater than we have strength to bear. Pardon us and grant us Forgiveness. Have mercy on us. You are our Maulâ (Patron, Supporter and Protector, etc.) and give us victory over the disbelieving people.”
Now go to Tafsir.com and look up the tafsir of this ayah and practise it, In Sha Allaah. I pray that Allaah will give you patience in what you have to bear and patience with your family; AMEEN!
Stardustz

Assalaam Alaikum dear sister in Islam. Believe it or not I am facing the exact same situation at my home but the aspect of going physical is not in my case. Even my parents are cultural muslims and they do not believe that Hijab is a must and they are totally against the idea of Niqab and Abaya and of course wearing black and all. I had wanted to wear the hijab since my 8th grade but to no success. I tried my best to teach my mother what Allah had ordered us do to. I tried very hard without getting angry at her. And Alhamdulillahi I was able to wear my Hijab after having to wait a long five years! That was with the intention to wear but not being able to! During the five years I used to pray to Allah asking for His Help and Support. But even now the issues of wearing Abayas and Niqab are matters that have not been solved till date. Insha Allah they will too. Dear sister, please have patience and treat your mother in the best manner possible. :) Try and teach her. Never loose hope because that is not a charactersitic of a believer! Ask Allah for strength and knowledge and wisdom and to make you affairs easy. And ask Him to Guide you parents to the straight path. :) Insha Allah everything will be fine. Just remember that this is but a trial for you. Allah is testing you to see whether you will pass this test and it is through these tests that we will get cleansed of our sins and attain nearness to Allah (SWT). Dear sister, it is true that you are facing hard times but reading about our pious predecessors is another thing that would really help you. Read about them and see how much they suffered to be firm in their faith not even wavering the least bit. And I assure you the Biography of the Prophet (Sallallah Alayhi Wassalam) will help you Insha Allah. See how much pain and suffering he had to go through? Also the story of the Prophet Yusuf (Alayhi Salaam) is reassuring! Sister, don't be sad. We all are with you and most importantly you have with you the Greatest Source of Strength, yes Allah (Subhaanahoo Wata aalaa) is always with those who are patient. Constantly ask of Him. For humanbeings get and forget but Allah Gives and Forgives and he is the Giver of All things, most Merciful and Most Compassionate to His slaves. Much more than a lactating mother is to her baby! Knock on His Door and ask Him. He will Grant for isn't our Lord shy to return back His slave's prayer if he asks of Him? Subhan Allah!! :) Love you dear sister in Islam for the Sake of Allah and may Allah make all our affairs in drawing near to Him easy and grant us all Muslims Jannat Al Firdaws with the company of the Prophet (PBUH)! Ameen!
Shiney

Assalamu alaikum sister=) it seems like all the other sisters have already given you such wonderful advice but i think I have one. What you cna do is that when you say sorry to your mom, try to indirectly tell her that it is because of Allah (SWT) that your are apologizing to her and because you love her. it may help her understand.

Ya Ummi: Difficulties at Home

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