I am a Hijabi.

69

Between resistance, tears and acceptance, guest writer Nur Fadhilah Wahid takes us on the ups and downs of her journey to hijab.

I remember when I was ten. It was the morning of Eid al-Fitr and I was sitting on the edge of my bed, tears streaming down my cheeks, just as raindrops kissed the ground outside my home. My heart was seething with anger, anger aimed at a piece of cloth that now lay rejected on my feet, and anger at the person who was forcing me to wear it. I remember looking wistfully at the mirror, tugging my hair and thinking how donning that piece of cloth would ruin the pretty outfit that embraced my body.

I remember when I was fourteen. It was a hot Sunday afternoon and I was hiding at the staircase outside my home, my fingers working fast in unraveling the piece of cloth wrapped around my head; the same one which I had haphazardly worn just minutes before. Stuffing it in my haversack, I remember adjusting my hair which now flew in the wind. Bouncing down the stairs, I was happy that I was free. Free. Free from something that to me signified the strangling hold that my mum had on me. I was a rebel, I owned the world.

I remember when I was fifteen. It was a quiet weekday night, and I had just pierced it by slamming my room door shut, my face grim and my ego preventing angry tears from streaming down my face once again. I had found no point in donning the piece of cloth when my actions did not reflect one of a good Muslim, and I made sure that this idea of mine was made known to my mum. We had one of our biggest fights that night, the first of many times in the next few years during which I had made my mum cry, but I stubborn-headedly stuck to my decision. From that day onwards, that piece of cloth occupied the depths of my cupboard, only taken out for religious occasions.

I remember when I was seventeen. It was a Sunday morning and I was seated at the salon, smiling to myself as the hairdresser blow dried my newly rebonded hair. I looked over at my then boyfriend for approval, to which I received a double thumbs up and a smile. I recall looking at the photos that we took together later on, happy with my decision of not allowing that piece of cloth to control me. A part of me began to whisper that I was wrong, but I pushed those whispers away as I fed myself with compliments from those around me about my hair. They thought I was beautiful, and that was the only thing that mattered.

I remember when I was twenty. It was a peaceful Friday night, and I had my forehead on the ground, the first of the six times I would do so in the next few minutes as part of my Maghrib prayers. At the end of it, my prayer garment was peppered with tears that had escaped my eyes, as I sought God in trying to understand and cope with the pain I was carrying in my heart due to a recent breakup. I remember the many nights just sitting at the back of the Masjid in silence, pouring through His words, hoping that something in it would make everything bearable. I now gave that piece of cloth a name – Hijab – and I subconsciously took baby steps in understanding it, in hopes of getting closer to the All-Creator.

I remember three months ago, at age twenty one. It was a serene weekday night and I was having a conversation with myself. I had begun to seriously question who I was, and my purpose of being on this earth. I remember telling myself that henceforth began my journey to return to Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala and that I had enough of fooling around, wasting the allocated time given to me. I walked away from things and relationships that would pull me back from my decision, something which was extremely hard to do (I think my tears dried up during those days), but Alhamdulillah, Allah gave me the strength to cope. I began to develop the niyyah to wear the hijab.

I remember two months ago, when Allah reintroduced Shidah into my life. Subhanallah, I remember thinking how beautiful she was in character, how beautiful she looked in her hijab, and how beautiful Islam was through her actions and thoughts. I began to think of ways in which I could get closer to her, in order to somehow soak in her good aura, just as the Prophet salla Allahu alayhi wasallam had deemed that befriending a perfume seller would be beneficial. As I spent more time with her, I began to spend more time in more hijab friendly environments, and I remember thinking to myself how beautiful and confident these hijab women looked. How, without the help of revealing clothes or make up, masha’Allah, their beauty still managed to shine through and touch my heart. Allah introduced some other women in my life who answered my questions without prejudice, and a voice in my heart began to whisper, telling me I was just about ready.

I remember a month ago. It was a beautiful Saturday morning and I was in Shidah’s room. We were laughing, as she demonstrated for the fifth time on how to don the hijab. I remember, as Shidah secured the last brooch on the hijab now embracing my head, I remember looking at myself in the mirror and feeling so close to Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala. I remember smiling and holding back my tears, knowing that I was ready to take the next step in seeking to complete my iman. I remember standing still in the middle of the street on the way home, as the sun shone on my face and the breeze caressed my skin, I remember looking up into the skies and whispering my thanks to Allah for opening my heart.

I will remember today. It is a bright Friday morning, and it is the first day of my life that I am wearing the hijab out of my own niyyah. It is the first day that I can say I choose to wear the hijab for Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala, and not because I was forced to. It is the first day I can say that I no longer care if people might think of me as backwards or that I look funny, because it is enough for me to know that Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala approves of my actions, insha’Allah.

I know I will have more responsibilities as a Muslim now that I am announcing it to the world. I know it will be a struggle for me to rid myself of my bad habits, and I know that the path I choose to walk on will not be easy. But I too now understand my purpose on earth, and I know that everything in life is but a test to gauge my iman. It has taken me 11 years to reach an understanding about the hijab (and about Islam), so I am comforted that the hardest part has now passed and all that is left to do is continue moving forward, insha’Allah.

Quoting from Leila Bekhti in the film Paris Je’taime,

“When I wear this, I feel part of a faith, an identity. I feel good. That’s what beauty is.”

Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakathu. My name is Nur Fadhilah Wahid, and I am a Hijabi, Alhamdulillah :).

______________

This story originally appeared on Nur Fadhilah Wahid‘s personal blog, Fingularity. Our thanks to sister Fadhilah for submitting it to be re-posted on IGIC!

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  • nIKHAT

    Assalam-o-Alaikum,

    Dear sister it takes a lot of courage for one to speak so openly ..I think the most difficult thing is to fight ourselves…..MashaAllah you took time to explain what hijab meant to you at different stages of life..

    JazaKiAllah hu khair for this wonderful post

    May Allah Subhanahu wata ala give you strenght to wear hijaab through out your life.Ameen and reward you immensely

  • nIKHAT

    Assalam-o-Alaikum,

    Dear sister it takes a lot of courage for one to speak so openly ..I think the most difficult thing is to fight ourselves…..MashaAllah you took time to explain what hijab meant to you at different stages of life..

    JazaKiAllah hu khair for this wonderful post

    May Allah Subhanahu wata ala give you strenght to wear hijaab through out your life.Ameen and reward you immensely

  • nIKHAT

    Assalam o Alaikum,

    JazaKIALLAHU khair for this wonderful post …………you took time what hijaab means to most of us at different stages of life

  • nIKHAT

    Assalam o Alaikum,

    JazaKIALLAHU khair for this wonderful post …………you took time what hijaab means to most of us at different stages of life

  • bint rafique

    mashallah ,a gud source 2 undrstnd the importance of hijab in a muslimah s lyf..jazaakAllahh

  • bint rafique

    mashallah ,a gud source 2 undrstnd the importance of hijab in a muslimah s lyf..jazaakAllahh

  • http://niteliteinspirations.com/ Umm Salma

    MashaAllah, beautifully written!

  • Umm Salma

    MashaAllah, beautifully written!

  • Dania

    Ohh so touching mashaAllah!

    jazakiAllahu khairun for sharing :)

  • Dania

    Ohh so touching mashaAllah!

    jazakiAllahu khairun for sharing :)

  • Marina

    Masha Allah, this article really brought tears to my eyes. I pray Allah Subhanahu wa Ta’ala makes it easier for every Muslimah to wear the Hijab, without much difficulties. =)
    And may Allah help you to help those who are not able to wear the hijab easily. =)
    Jazak Allahu Khairan.

  • Marina

    Masha Allah, this article really brought tears to my eyes. I pray Allah Subhanahu wa Ta’ala makes it easier for every Muslimah to wear the Hijab, without much difficulties. =)
    And may Allah help you to help those who are not able to wear the hijab easily. =)
    Jazak Allahu Khairan.

  • http://www.igotitcovered.org/author/bintabdelhamid/ Bint AbdelHamid

    Masha’Allah, this piece is beautifully crafted. The “snapshots” you captured from each stage in your life, the emotions, the details – it’s easy to visualize and understand exactly what you went through at each stage. May Allah reward you, sister, and use your words as a means to guide others. Ameen.

  • http://www.igotitcovered.org/author/bintabdelhamid/ Bint AbdelHamid

    Masha’Allah, this piece is beautifully crafted. The “snapshots” you captured from each stage in your life, the emotions, the details – it’s easy to visualize and understand exactly what you went through at each stage. May Allah reward you, sister, and use your words as a means to guide others. Ameen.

  • Nouhad

    This is AMAZING, mashAllah! Ameen @ BintAbdelHamid’s dua!

  • Nouhad

    This is AMAZING, mashAllah! Ameen @ BintAbdelHamid’s dua!

  • Imani

    Mashallah! This is beautiful and your struggle brought tears to my eyes. When you said “donning the piece of cloth when my actions did not reflect one of a good Muslim” I remembered how when I started wearing hijab I had to become a better person because like you said, you’re announcing Islam to the world and that you should show that character. And it also reminded me that the little things I (we) do that aren’t right need to be fixed too, just because others don’t know about our wrong actions doesn’t mean we don’t have to fix them. Jazak Allah Khair for this beautiful piece and for me a friendly reminder. :D

  • Imani

    Mashallah! This is beautiful and your struggle brought tears to my eyes. When you said “donning the piece of cloth when my actions did not reflect one of a good Muslim” I remembered how when I started wearing hijab I had to become a better person because like you said, you’re announcing Islam to the world and that you should show that character. And it also reminded me that the little things I (we) do that aren’t right need to be fixed too, just because others don’t know about our wrong actions doesn’t mean we don’t have to fix them. Jazak Allah Khair for this beautiful piece and for me a friendly reminder. :D

  • bintRey

    Mashaa Allah, nicely written.

    Am sure that Fadhila also realized that alhamdulillah, she was given the 11 years to understand. None of us can be sure how much time we have before we are taken to account of what we do or not do.

    May Allah cause us all to be righteous servants of His and die in that state. Ameen.

  • bintRey

    Mashaa Allah, nicely written.

    Am sure that Fadhila also realized that alhamdulillah, she was given the 11 years to understand. None of us can be sure how much time we have before we are taken to account of what we do or not do.

    May Allah cause us all to be righteous servants of His and die in that state. Ameen.

  • http://www.momo17.wordpress.com/ Maryam

    mashaAllah, subhanAllah- beautifu <3

    it doesnt matter really if you are late, even if you consider it in your heart and dream of wearing it one day , thats all that matters, –Allah subhana wa talaa knows best.

    mashaAllah a good read.

    sometimes i just wish i could get all the IGIC's articles printined as a book and then i'd call it "IGIC-Modesty with Hikmah"

    love all my hijabi sistas, its hard being a Muslim 247 sometimes, but its so worth it subhanAllah <3

  • http://www.momo17.wordpress.com Maryam

    mashaAllah, subhanAllah- beautifu <3

    it doesnt matter really if you are late, even if you consider it in your heart and dream of wearing it one day , thats all that matters, –Allah subhana wa talaa knows best.

    mashaAllah a good read.

    sometimes i just wish i could get all the IGIC's articles printined as a book and then i'd call it "IGIC-Modesty with Hikmah"

    love all my hijabi sistas, its hard being a Muslim 24\7 sometimes, but its so worth it subhanAllah <3

  • fatima

    wow, its a nice piece of writin, i feel your struggles as u try to understand urself and the religion of islam in this tumultuous world. hopefully many like you will follow your footsteps. just praying that Allah(swt) be with them all as they take their baby steps 2ward understanding the glorious religion of islam.jazakallah.

  • fatima

    wow, its a nice piece of writin, i feel your struggles as u try to understand urself and the religion of islam in this tumultuous world. hopefully many like you will follow your footsteps. just praying that Allah(swt) be with them all as they take their baby steps 2ward understanding the glorious religion of islam.jazakallah.

  • Mahvish

    Masha’Allah…nice to know of your change. It’s amazing to see how we can be better no matter what circumstance we’re in.

    I like how it was concluded with “I will remember today.” That was super cute.

    JazakAllah Khair.

  • Mahvish

    Masha’Allah…nice to know of your change. It’s amazing to see how we can be better no matter what circumstance we’re in.

    I like how it was concluded with “I will remember today.” That was super cute.

    JazakAllah Khair.

  • haNeFah

    Assalamoalaykom Waramatollahi Wabarakato!

    wow!…….it so nice reading this piece of article.It gives me strength to move on too and have change in life!

    Congratulation my sister and you find your way back to ALLAH ! And I’m praying that I’d be like you too..

    (-_-)

  • haNeFah

    Assalamoalaykom Waramatollahi Wabarakato!

    wow!…….it so nice reading this piece of article.It gives me strength to move on too and have change in life!

    Congratulation my sister and you find your way back to ALLAH ! And I’m praying that I’d be like you too..

    (-_-)

  • Yati Ismail

    Fadhilah, it’s a beautiful and sincere writing that comes straight from your heart. Thank Allah for the path that he had chosen for us and hopefully it last till the day we leave. Insya Allah, Ameen

  • Yati Ismail

    Fadhilah, it’s a beautiful and sincere writing that comes straight from your heart. Thank Allah for the path that he had chosen for us and hopefully it last till the day we leave. Insya Allah, Ameen

  • http://www.fingularity.tumblr.com Nur Fadhilah Wahid

    Waalaikumsalaam warahmatullahi wabarakathu sister nIKHAT,

    I guess I wrote it because I needed some form of closure for myself; to finally write it out after all these years, and start anew, InsyaAllah :) And by posting it up, I am hoping that insyaAllah some sisters will have an affinity with it, and realize that they CAN change if they wish to :)

    Wa antum Fajazakumullah khayran, sis :) And a million syukrans for the beautiful du’a, Subhanallah :’)

  • http://www.fingularity.tumblr.com/ Nur Fadhilah Wahid

    Waalaikumsalaam warahmatullahi wabarakathu sister nIKHAT,

    I guess I wrote it because I needed some form of closure for myself; to finally write it out after all these years, and start anew, InsyaAllah :) And by posting it up, I am hoping that insyaAllah some sisters will have an affinity with it, and realize that they CAN change if they wish to :)

    Wa antum Fajazakumullah khayran, sis :) And a million syukrans for the beautiful du’a, Subhanallah :’)

  • http://www.fingularity.tumblr.com/ Nur Fadhilah Wahid

    Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakathu sis bint rafique,

    Wa antum jazakumullah khayran, sis :) may we all benefit from it, InsyaAllah!

  • http://www.fingularity.tumblr.com Nur Fadhilah Wahid

    Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakathu sis bint rafique,

    Wa antum jazakumullah khayran, sis :) may we all benefit from it, InsyaAllah!

  • http://www.fingularity.tumblr.com/ Nur Fadhilah Wahid

    Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakathu sis Umm Salma,

    Jazakallah khayran! The good is from Allah and the mistakes mine :)

  • http://www.fingularity.tumblr.com Nur Fadhilah Wahid

    Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakathu sis Umm Salma,

    Jazakallah khayran! The good is from Allah and the mistakes mine :)

  • http://www.fingularity.tumblr.com/ Nur Fadhilah Wahid

    Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakathu sis Dania,

    Am glad you felt that way, Alhamdulillah!

    Wa antum jazakumullah khayran, sis :)

  • http://www.fingularity.tumblr.com Nur Fadhilah Wahid

    Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakathu sis Dania,

    Am glad you felt that way, Alhamdulillah!

    Wa antum jazakumullah khayran, sis :)

  • http://www.fingularity.tumblr.com/ Nur Fadhilah Wahid

    Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakthu sis marina,

    That’s a beautiful du’a you made for all the Muslimahs around the world :) InsyaAllah, Ameen.

    I think that alot of Muslimahs actually want to wear the hijab deep in their hearts.. it’s a matter of time until they find the courage to overcome all the fears they have. May Allah bestow all of us with strength to do what’s right, InsyaAllah!

    Wa antum fajaza kumullah Khayran sis :)

  • http://www.fingularity.tumblr.com Nur Fadhilah Wahid

    Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakthu sis marina,

    That’s a beautiful du’a you made for all the Muslimahs around the world :) InsyaAllah, Ameen.

    I think that alot of Muslimahs actually want to wear the hijab deep in their hearts.. it’s a matter of time until they find the courage to overcome all the fears they have. May Allah bestow all of us with strength to do what’s right, InsyaAllah!

    Wa antum fajaza kumullah Khayran sis :)

  • http://www.fingularity.tumblr.com/ Nur Fadhilah Wahid

    Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakathu sis Bint AbdelHamid,

    Alhamdulillah, I am REALLY glad to know the long-winded nature of the entry did help in the visual aspect haha. Was kind of worried it might backfire hehe..

    Jazakallah Khayran for the du’a, and InsyaAllah, I do hope one day I get to write and contribute to the islamic world somehow :) One step at a time, InsyaAllah.

  • http://www.fingularity.tumblr.com Nur Fadhilah Wahid

    Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakathu sis Bint AbdelHamid,

    Alhamdulillah, I am REALLY glad to know the long-winded nature of the entry did help in the visual aspect haha. Was kind of worried it might backfire hehe..

    Jazakallah Khayran for the du’a, and InsyaAllah, I do hope one day I get to write and contribute to the islamic world somehow :) One step at a time, InsyaAllah.

  • http://www.fingularity.tumblr.com/ Nur Fadhilah Wahid

    Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakathu sis Nouhad,

    *blushes* Jazakallah khayran! :)

  • http://www.fingularity.tumblr.com Nur Fadhilah Wahid

    Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakathu sis Nouhad,

    *blushes* Jazakallah khayran! :)

  • http://www.fingularity.tumblr.com/ Nur Fadhilah Wahid

    Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakathu sis Imani,

    Jazakallah khayran :)

    Truth be told, even when I have already donned the hijab (Alhamdulillah, coming to a week now), there are still so many things that I need to fix, so many bad habits I have yet to kick. Living in a very secular country and in a very open environment, I grew up doing many things that are so wrong in islamic context and yet it has become a norm for most people. So, even now, I find myself doing/saying things that I shouldn’t be saying and kicking myself a second or two later when I realize.

    One step at a time, insyaAllah. Do keep me in your du’a :)

  • http://www.fingularity.tumblr.com Nur Fadhilah Wahid

    Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakathu sis Imani,

    Jazakallah khayran :)

    Truth be told, even when I have already donned the hijab (Alhamdulillah, coming to a week now), there are still so many things that I need to fix, so many bad habits I have yet to kick. Living in a very secular country and in a very open environment, I grew up doing many things that are so wrong in islamic context and yet it has become a norm for most people. So, even now, I find myself doing/saying things that I shouldn’t be saying and kicking myself a second or two later when I realize.

    One step at a time, insyaAllah. Do keep me in your du’a :)

  • http://www.fingularity.tumblr.com/ Nur Fadhilah Wahid

    Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakathu sis bintREY,

    Jazakallah khayran :)

    Yes, I did realize I was given 11 years Alhamdulillah.. and today I still think what if my time is up before I have changed? I actually wrote more about it in my below entry

    http://fingularity.tumblr.com/post/311674488/for-those-who-are-always-saying-i-am-still-young

    May all of us be reminded that only Allah knows when we will be called back to Him… and that we shouldn’t be so sure when we say, “I will change when I get older.. I’m still young and I have so many things I want to do first.”

  • http://www.fingularity.tumblr.com Nur Fadhilah Wahid

    Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakathu sis bintREY,

    Jazakallah khayran :)

    Yes, I did realize I was given 11 years Alhamdulillah.. and today I still think what if my time is up before I have changed? I actually wrote more about it in my below entry

    http://fingularity.tumblr.com/post/311674488/for-those-who-are-always-saying-i-am-still-young

    May all of us be reminded that only Allah knows when we will be called back to Him… and that we shouldn’t be so sure when we say, “I will change when I get older.. I’m still young and I have so many things I want to do first.”

  • http://www.fingularity.tumblr.com/ Nur Fadhilah Wahid

    Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakathu sis Maryam,

    Jazakallah khayran! I am glad you like the entry, Alhamdulillah :)

    I think the book compilation is a fantastic idea! Here in Singapore, I can’t really find that many books on stories behind women in hijabs (‘lighthearted’ stories like “Does my head look big in this?”, not the heavy political kind; that we have loads of). Not sure about other countries, hmm

    *smiles hopefully at the moderator reading this kekeke…

  • http://www.fingularity.tumblr.com Nur Fadhilah Wahid

    Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakathu sis Maryam,

    Jazakallah khayran! I am glad you like the entry, Alhamdulillah :)

    I think the book compilation is a fantastic idea! Here in Singapore, I can’t really find that many books on stories behind women in hijabs (‘lighthearted’ stories like “Does my head look big in this?”, not the heavy political kind; that we have loads of). Not sure about other countries, hmm

    *smiles hopefully at the moderator reading this kekeke…

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