When He Said My Friend Was Ugly

A true story by an anonymous sister. Sometimes the most powerful lessons come in the most heartbreaking ways.

raindropsBefore I begin the story I want to ask, which women do we think are most valuable? Which women should we try to be like?

There is a beautiful hadith:

Many men attained perfection, but only three women attained it: Maryam, the daughter of ‘Imraan [Jesus’s mother], Aasiyah, Pharaoh’s wife, and Khadeejah bint Khuwaylid.” (Ibn Mardooyah)

Do we seriously take them as our true role models?

When I remember the story I am about to narrate, I usually feel a sting in my heart. In fact, I think it would be more befitting if I should cry.

This is what happened about 7 to 8 years ago:

I was in class once. The class had either free time or the teacher still wasn’t there…  I really don’t remember. What I do remember is everyone in the class was Muslim.

Beside me was… was… well, this sister. I really didn’t know her much. In fact, other than her name, I knew almost nothing about her. Yet, I would still consider her as a friend.

She was very quiet and didn’t participate in class. The sister was very modest. She wore a hijab and a loose garment. She use to wear her hijab so beautifully, a large scarf that she would cover her shoulders, back and bosoms with. I remember that clearly because the other girls didn’t wear it like that.

Unlike the other girls wearing hijab, she didn’t have her hoop earnings sticking out, she didn’t pluck her eyebrows, didn’t giggle with the boys whenever she had the chance, didn’t hang out with the boys after school, didn’t talk about the latest hip-hop song that was out, wasn’t loud and etc.

She didn’t tie her hijab to the back, but covered her chest, she didn’t try to get the boys attention, she didn’t wear eye-liner and heavy lip gloss like the rest of the girls.

One day as I sat, a couple of boys next to us were talking about girls, I think they were talking about hooking up with girls from the class, or who they would like to hook up with… again, my memory is fuzzy. Among the boys, there was one boy who was very loud.

One boy mentioned that sister’s name to the loud boy… as a cruel joke.

As soon as the name was mentioned, the boy started screaming and shouting in protest something like (don’t remember all the details ), “EEEWWW!!! Shut up!!!! Shut up!!! Ha ha ha ha!!! EEWW Man, don’t play like that!!! EW, Her! Yo, she got a messed up face ! Her face is messed up!!!”

He repeated something like this a couple of times, in front of everyone…

Of course the sister heard.

Some boys were laughing. I think even some girls were laughing, also. Not sure if anyone objected. I don’t remember all the details.

In fact, even I stayed quiet.

From the best of what I remember (and I don’t remember all the details), during the silence, I noticed that she was crying…

She was crying, and she had her face covered with her hands. She tried to be as quiet as possible, but I heard her…

She hunched her back, put her head down as low as it could have gone, and wept. When I looked at her, there were a lot of tears…

The boy noticed she was crying. The words of comfort he had for her were, “Yo, just chill. Just chill.”

The most awful part of the story as I think about it is that the boy who humiliated her in the class was also a Muslim.

I stared ahead… with a blank expression, and then looked at him.

“Yo, just chill. Just chill,” he repeated.

Now that I recall, I wish I had said something.

It’s sad that the sister who dressed the most modestly got dismissed in class as being ugly. May Allaah make all her affairs easy.

In this ignorant society, we are fooled to think that the women who are lacking modesty are valuable.

My message:

Don’t ever in your life get fooled to think that the value and worth of a woman is in her beauty.

What does the Qur’aan say:

Verily, the most honourable of you with Allaah is that (believer) who has At-Taqwa [i.e. he is one of the Muttaqoon (the pious)]. Verily, Allaah is All-Knowing, All Aware” [al-Hujuraat 49:13].

The true value of a woman rests in her level of taqwa and good deeds, not in her transient worldly earnings.” (The Ideal Muslimah, by Muhammad al Hashimi)

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This story was originally submitted to The Ideal Muslimah via e-mail by an anonymous sister. Our thanks to The Ideal Muslimah for their generosity and the permission to repost.

Tagged as: bullying, high school

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  • ...my eyebrows look like fury slugs but i fear to even 'tidy them' as I fear our Creator more than I do the creation. After reading the comments and from past research I feel it is best to leave what is doubtful..In my heart I feel that it is not permissable, and Allah Knows Best, to Him I seek my reward for being patient inshallah. My Allah guide us all, ameen x
  • Bint AbdelHamid
    Sister Yasmin, thanks for your follow-up comment. I understand that the religion is not simply a matter of opinion, but of authentic evidence.

    The word "nams - نَمْص" is the noun, whereas "namasa - نَمَصَ" is the verb.

    Lisan al-'Arab defines the word "nams" as plucking. In fact, it uses the word "natf" (plucking, as you indicated) in the definition. Al-Qamoos al-MuHeet gives the first definition for "nams" as "natf ash-sha'r - the plucking of hair."

    When the Messenger salla Allahu alayhi wasallam said something is cursed -- it is a very important issue. Nams constitutes a major sin. No one is ordaining anything new, sister. We're simply following the Messenger's words.

    (By the way, a Hadith Qudsi can also be weak or fabricated, since it relies on a chain of transmission.)

    And regarding your du'aa, Ameen. May Allah show us the truth as truth and enable us to follow it; and may He show us falsehood as falsehood and enable us to avoid it.
  • Yasmin
    Salaam sister Bint Abdelhamid. I would have better appreciated your comment had it any validity sister.

    FIrstly the word 'nams' in Arabic means mongoose (and is an animal) and so i'm not quite sure where you got this word from.

    The word 'namasa' however in Arabic means to keep secret or to hide; or to confide in. So please do not mislead others without proper knowledge of words meanings.

    the use of the namsa in the hadith explicates for the listeners 'not hide your 'real eyebrows by shaving them off, & to draw over them with different ones-an old arabian jahiliya practise, and by no means does the word nams mean pluck .

    To pluck in Arabic is katafa or natafa (just need access to a good arabic dictionary if your not familiar with the Arabic language yourself.)

    Further the website link you gave is an extremist Saudi affiliated webpage that i could never acknowledge due to their extremism/harshness & list of haram fatwas.

    In islam very little is haram as Allah is merciful and kind and dislikes those who make haram what Allah has not.

    As i said before lots of Hadiths are infact WEAK (please look at the chain of narration as apart from the hadith Qudsi the validity of most other narrated hadiths is very contencious issue, as to the narrators of the hadith, the contextual context of subject matter spoken about, the time the hadith was narrated and to who, how honourable/renouned were EACH person in the chain of narration etc).

    what is certain and absolute is only that which is in the Quran and the Quran does not have any mention of its concern with eyebrows & so this eyebrow topic is far removed from mainstream notions of what is Quranically and thus Islamically Haram.

    Islam is a religion of ease, and if Allah did not ORDAIN something as Haram who are we to. I don't believe the prophet (pbuh) to have said it either. Let us concentrate on more important matters in Islam inshalla.

    I have nothing more to argue about & don't want to have a verbal war publically online as this would prove distasteful, inappropriate and is not what islam encourages. Let Allah great and awesome guide us all closer to divine truth inshallah and people can now reflect on both our arguments & most importantly do their own research to come to their own conclusions inshallah. We are all to be judged based on our own intellectual reasoning & Allah loves those who reflect- a criteria that Allah (swa) repetitively directs to readers of the holy Quran.

    Best wishes to all who read this & Asalaamu Alaikum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakaatuhu.
  • Bint AbdelHamid
    Sister Yasmin, I know the topic of plucking eyebrows can be sensitive with many sisters, but it's also a very important one. The Prophet salla Allahu alyahi wasallam said that both the one who plucks the eyebrows and the one who has it done is cursed by Allah - so falling into "nams" is a major sin.

    I personally follow the opinion that "cleaning" eyebrows (and not just removing them completely) falls under "nams," and this is the opinion of many scholars. The Arabic word "nams" actually means "plucking;" see this link and this this one for further reference.

    You're absolutely right that Allah loves beauty; but we need to adjust our own conceptions of beauty to fit in with Allah's, and not vice versa; I'm sure the most beautiful thing to Allah is that which contains the most obedience to Him. Additionally, whatever Allah and His Messenger, salla Allahu alayhi wasallam, came with - this is already the middle path. So if Islam forbids plucking eyebrows, leaving your eyebrows untouched IS the middle path, and there's nothing extreme about it.

    Sister, I'm sure you didn't mean it, but you should try not say things like "Some sisters look ghastly with their overbearing eyebrows and need to look more civilized by cleaning them up a little." Not only did Allah create these sisters looking this way, but they are also refraining from cleaning their eyebrows to obey a command from Allah!

    There are many other things we can do to look clean and well-groomed, and as you indicated, we can and should pursue these means, so long as they're halal. But my advice to every sister would be to stay away from plucking (even cleaning) her eyebrows, and I only give this advice out of my love and concern for my sisters.

    If we leave something with Allah, surely He will replace us with sometime better. And you'd be surprised - people who give up or refrain from even "cleaning" their eyebrows normally find that natural, untouched eyebrows, look better just the way Allah created them.
  • Bint AbdelHamid
    Umm Ibraheem jazaki Allahu khayran for your comment - I especially benefited from the last statement, in reference to Maryam alayaha assalam. Whenever people mock or belittle hijab, all we have to do is remember that the best and purest women are the ones we strive to look like.

    Sister Moi, did you mean the writing made you feel like you were there, or that you'd experienced something similar? I hope it wasn't the latter! The story is very moving, though, and I hope our sisters in hijab know we're here to support them if they need it.

    Sharmin, Ameen! Even though we don't know who this sister is, or where she is right now, I'm amazed that Allah is perhaps choosing to reward her with everyone's du'aa for her patience all those years ago.

    Constructive Attitude, unfortunately, verbal bullying is common in our world, and can be very damaging. It makes this description of jannah even more profound: "They will not hear therein any idle talk or sinful speech..." [56:25]

    Muslimah, hopefully those boys have grown up by now, and are better people, more thoughtful people. May Allah guide them and us.
  • subhanallah, that girl was probably the best sister in terms of emaan in that classroom, better than all of them! subhanallah, its a jihad for the believers, and Allah tests those according to their level of faith.
    May Allah raise her inshallah. Stupid boys, she was too good for them any how
  • This story almost brought me to tears .

    It's a sad, sad world we live in.
  • Yasmin
    Assalamu alaikum, we shouldn't make fun of others as our looks is something we have no control over it is a predetermined genetic affair. However Allah swa says that He is beautiful (al- Jamal) and loves beauty. Sisters should groom and take care of themselves within the lines of modesty. However unfortunately alot of muslims these days lack proper knowledge especially with regards to the authenticity of many hadiths. The Prophet (saw) said for women not to 'remove' their eyebrows as this was- and still is the common practise of prostitutes who constantly play with their looks to keep looking anew by drawing in different shapes & styles of drawn in eyebrows, however the Prophet (swa) was talking about the removal of the entire eyebrows (prostitues shave off the eyebrows to draw them in) and did not say that women cannot pluck their eyebrows. Some sisters look ghastly with their overbearing eyebrows and need to look more civilised by cleaning them up a little. Islam is all about the middle road/route and not about any extreme. You can tidy up your eyebrows as Allah Himself commands beauty just remember to be modest and not overdo it to an extreme. We need to use more logic inshallah.
  • Sharmin
    Assalamualykum warahmatullahi wabarakatuhu,

    This was a heartwarming story that felt so real. May Allah bless the sister who had to endure the comments, but at the end of the day she will be the one who succeeds as she was obeying Allah (SWT.) I pray that she attains the most highest level of success. Ameen.
  • Sister Moi
    I teared up when I read this... felt as thought I was experiencing it again.
  • Umm Ibraheem
    sorry - I meant "form fittting JILBAAB."
  • Umm Ibraheem
    SubhaanAllah, I really feel for that sister. For any sister who has been in a similar situation - you don't need to care what guys like that think anyway.

    Poor girl, that hurts though. To be told - in PUBLIC - that you're not pretty.

    I always tell my husband - you wouldn't look twice at a sister who does hijaab properly, because she won't be flashy, she won't wear loads of make up, she won't have earrings poking out of her hijaab, or be wearing a form fitting hijaab. Those sisters make me so mad. You'd be better off wearing no scarf and modest clothing.

    I remember I heard Shaykh Deedat saying - "If Mary were here today, none of you would give her a second glance."
  • Bint AbdelHamid
    The Random Guy, you mean Imam Siraj Wahhaj, right? An amazing person to listen to, may Allah preserve him for the Ummah.

    As for your comment, you're right, hijab is more than just a scarf. Some of those sisters may not know any better, and just need to be told; some of them maybe know, but need to reminded, encouraged with a kind word; some of them need better company, because daily, they're bombarded with inappropriate messages and images in the media, and they have nothing to counteract that. May Allah guide them and us.

    Asiya, wa alaikum assalam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh. Thank you for your comment - a valuable reminder, masha'Allah.

    Nikhat, wa alaikum assalam wa rahmatullah. We're glad you like it! Please make du'aa for the sister who designs the site, and for her family.
  • nIKHAT
    i WOULD LIKE TO REPLY THE RANDOM GUY...you the fact of the matter is that if a girl wears hijaab nd accepts it from her heart then she should understand the true purpose of it.Wearing a scraf is a sign of modesty nd obedience to our Creator but True hidayah comes from ALLAH (S.W.T.) alone..So what these girls are doing is between them and Allah ( S.W.T.) alone
  • nIKHAT
    Assalam-o-Alaikum,


    dEAR IGIC I LOVE THIS MAKE OVER MASHA'ALLAH IT'S AWESOME
  • Asiya
    Tough call on wat I wud do but I wud like to say to all my sisters in islam that NO boy/man in ur life has the right to make u feel like crud n worthless!! Let us not be discouraged by wat others say, instead let's let the foolish ones to their foolishness n focus on worrying whether Allah azzawajal is pleased with the beauty our character n manners.

    We often hear abt the hoor al ayn n how beautiful they will be but in Jannah the believing women will be much more tha them ;)

    So I ask u all: temporary beauty or everlasting youthful beauty? :)

    much luv to all my sisters in Islam! As salaam alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu!!!
  • The Random Guy
    Truly an awesome post. There are moments in my past aswell where I wish I couldve spoken up. What I don't get is how if the hijab Shows a girls modesty, then why do some chase after guys and flirt openly.. I see it at my masjid aswell.. Totally kills the idea of a modest Muslimah, but that's just my opinion.

    In imam (name slipped my mind, but famous African American imam in Brooklyn)'s words: the most beautiful woman is the one who covers and wears the scarf.
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